There's an Alien Inside Me

It’s the only logical explanation I can come up with (if you consider alien body-snatching logical). I am just not the same person I was a short time ago. I’m not exactly sure when this alien took over my body – some time in the past few months. I’m exhibiting very odd behavior for me.

I am constantly exploring new interests and challenges, and I no longer approach them with the “Oh, that would be fun but I can’t do it” line. Instead, it’s “That’s cool, I’m doin’ it!” I no longer sit around bored with nothing to fill my hours; suddenly there is not enough time in a week, a day, an hour to do all the new things I want to do.

I am consciously (and even sub-consciously) being a, kinder, gentler, more sympathetic, less judgmental person. I say that I am “trying to be a better person” but there’s not a lot of “trying” to it. I am choosing to see the good in people and have patience and compassion for the bad.

I am no longer approaching relationships (friends, lovers, co-workers, etc) with that insecurity-of-self that always made me feel like I needed to please them -- “If I act like they want me to, they’ll like me.” (Which, by the way, never works in the long run anyway – hence my long chain of failed intimate relationships). Of course, I still hope to be liked in my relationships, but not at the cost of compromising who I am. I now actually let myself have moods in public – it’s sort of liberating.

So you explain it? Where did this self-confident, grab-the-world-by-the-tail attitude come from? It couldn’t have come from me! I’ve never possessed an ounce of it. So, back to my original hypothesis – there’s an alien living in me. But for the first time in my life I can look myself in the eye (with the help of a mirror of course) and say “I like me!” So, I’m hopin’ she’s comfy in here and she’s planning on staying – I don’t really know how these alien invasions work.

The SUSPENSE is KILLING ME!

How do you people do this?! This is completely nerve racking! I’m not saying it’s not a good thing – but the SUSPENSE! Oh my god! It’s enough to give you a heart attack (or ME, anyway). And patience! To be good at it, you need patience! NOT my strong suit. (Favorite Quote: “Instant gratification takes TOO long!” - Postcards from the Edge)

I just discovered eBay. (Yes, I know, I’m about a generation behind the times (thanks for reminding me)). I had heard of it, and sort of knew how it worked, but it seemed so foreign. After all, there are stores for new things and classifieds for used things – where’s the need for this on-line swap meet? (There are so many exciting things out there beyond my comfort zone – it’s amazing!) I had never even been to the eBay site – I had no need (and so much fear!). But my recent decision to turn my laundry room into a darkroom drove me to eBay.

So I searched for darkroom equipment. Who knew?! In the new digital age of photography all the old film equipment went to eBay to retire – COOL! I found about 8 enlarger set ups I wanted to “watch” in “My eBay” (aren’t you impressed – I know the lingo already!). I even emailed several of the sellers to ask specifics (and got responses!) (It’s an amazing world we live in!) But the “time left” on the first item up for bid wasn’t due for over a day – a whole day! So I decided which one I wanted first and I actually bid! With trembling fingers I signed up for Pay Pal and clicked [Bid Now]. But I soon got into a bidding war with some jerk who was also bidding and that sorta pissed me off, so I stopped bidding. I ended up giving that item up – I had decided it was not the best choice, there were a couple of more attractive choices coming up, so I decided to practice patience (of all things!).

Somewhere early in this process I read a “tip” on the eBay site suggesting that you start with a small item – like a CD or something, to get comfortable with the bidding process. (good advice – I probably should have taken it – oh well.)

Of my remaining items on “watch” I zoned in on what I wanted and I didn’t do a thing. I waited. And I watched. A few fools bid back and forth, running up the price, but still I waited. Not time yet. I am a quick study! If you are available to be at your computer when the auction ends, there is no point running up the bid, giving those other eBayers an opportunity to think about it and bid against you! WAIT – be PATIENT – it will pay off (literally!)

Finally – the hour arrives, I wait some more. . . . ahhh, 10 minutes left ‘til the auction closes, NOW I strike! I place my “highest bid” (that which I am willing to go up to) and the eBay machine ups the published bid by $5 with my logon next to it (and I am willing to go much higher.) I hold my breath. . . hmmm, no one else has a standing bid in any higher. Ohhwww – maybe I’ll GET it?! Tick. . . Tick. . . Tick. . . This was the LONGEST ten minutes of my life! I must have hit my refresh button 100 times! My heart was racing! – I couldn’t take the suspense. I had to walk away! I came back, hit refresh again and . . . . STILL had 1 minute to go! Another few refreshes. (my god, this minute is taking FIVE minutes!) And then! Before my screen could do it’s last refresh, my email notification popped up “msg from eBay re: You Have Won!” YEAH! I WON! (at this point I was literally jumping up and down!). I WON! (well, okay, for $255 plus shipping I won – but still – I won!).

Bottom line – I’m glad I have conquered my fear of eBay and I’m sure I’ll be back to eBay for other purchases from time to time. But the trauma was too much for me. I could never be an eBay junkie – I don’t have the nerves or the patience for it! (Just as well, I have enough vices!)

Developing New Interests

I need to hurry up and get old so I can retire and have time to do all the cool, fun things I want to be doing. Either that or win the lottery (which I don’t play). Don’t get me wrong, I love my job; but I seem to have all these interests all the sudden that I want to spend my time on and I just don’t have enough time to do them all. I would cut out sleep if I could – it seems like such an incredible waste of time, doesn’t it? – but my body won’t let me. I may have to become an energy-drink-junkie (see previous blog: “Is This Shit Legal” 3/10/06).

I can remember not all that long ago feeling like I wasn’t a very interesting or diverse person because I had no real hobbies or interests. WOW – has that ever changed, and I don’t really know why or when exactly – it must be part of my metamorphosis (see previous blog: “Metamorphosis” 1/22/06). In addition to my full-time job, the Mug Club and my social circle, in the past year I have added to my life the following: 2 monthly book clubs, church, blogging, flute lessons, a gym membership and now my long lost passion for photography – something is going to have to give – it may be my sanity.

The 2 book clubs were fairly do-able during the winter – what’s better then curling up with a blanket, the cat and a good book when the weather is nasty? I was easily getting my 2 club books in and at least one other of my choice each month. But spring is just around the corner and that will start the gardening season and all those other fun-in-the-sun activities. Last fall I joined and became a pretty active memeber of a UU church which has provided me many interesting and thought provoking perspectives (see previous blog: "My Religious Beliefs" 2/20/06) as well as new social outlets. Then I started blogging, and as I am fond of saying in my blogs – if you are reading this, I don’t have to tell you what a time-suckage blogging is. The really sicko part about me blogging is that I am quite sure that the only people that visit my blog are people I know and see fairly regularly, so why can’t I just tell them what’s on my mind?! Then I decided to fulfill my desire to “make music” and so, not even knowing how to read music, I took up the flute (see previous blog: “Breathing, Blowing and Tonguing” 12/19/05). This is not technically a time-suckage, more like blowing off some time (ha ha – get it?). In addition to my weekly lesson I should be practicing dailey. And recently I joined a gym which I am (so far) going to pretty faithfully every morning. Now this one almost doesn’t count, because I do it first thing in the morning when I would otherwise still be sleeping (or trying to wake up), so as far as time management goes, this is almost a freebee.

And yes, now I have decided to rekindle my passion for photography. I took a couple of semesters of it in college and loved it. But once my classes were over I lost my interest pretty quickly. My passion lies more in the darkroom then behind the lens (and if I wasn’t taking a class, I didn’t have access to the school’s darkroom). Sure you need to compose a decent shot, but basically anyone can take a picture and send it off to Kodak to be developed. The real fun/challenge/artistry for me is in the darkroom. And yes, I am old fashioned – it can’t be digital – it’s gotta’ be 35mm and it’s gotta’ be B&W. Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of cool color photos, and what you can do with digital photography these days is pretty amazing – it’s just not my gig. I’m B&W and I’m film.

Over the years I have often mourned my lost passion, but it seemed like such an incredible undertaking to set up my own darkroom that I didn’t really think it was reasonable. A couple of weeks ago I was driving around and I gave it more thought – I really wanted to get my camera out again – it’s been sitting in a closet, pretty much untouched, for almost 20 years (I can’t believe it’s been that long!) So, I decided it was time to dust off my baby and get her back in action. My house has the perfect laundry room for a darkroom and in this world of eBay, I’m sure I can pick up some used equipment. So I thought I would pick a topic – something I can do a photographic study of; this will give me purpose. If nothing else it will get the camera in my car and in my hands and back in use. Of course I will take other photos too, but having a theme will help get me motivated.

At first I thought I would do silos – having grown up on a farm, silos have a place in my heart and silos are becoming a dying icon of the American landscape; I thought there might be purpose in documenting them before they are all gone. But as I thought about it, in terms of an artistic subject, I don’t really find silos very interesting. There are some cool silos but from a linear perspective they don’t have much diversity of form. So, I continued to think about it as I drove and it hit me – Electric Line Towers –those massive steel (sometimes wood) structures that hold up the high-tension wires. They are all over the place and have many different shapes, styles and forms. I very much like the geometric shapes of the towers and their supported lines. And they are found in a wide variety of settings and back drops – sometimes blending into an industrial setting and sometimes contrasting a rural, otherwise pristine setting. Okay – I’ll stop now, sorry – I realize this is my passion, not yours.

So, anyway, if you can’t find me curled up on the couch with a book, or attending some UU function, or sitting here blogging, or practicing my flute, or at the gym, check the darkroom.

Is This Shit Legal?

So I was at the grocery store this evening and there was a display with a new “energy drink” on sale. I don’t do energy drinks – I’m not the “energy-drink-type.” I’ve never been a pop/soda drinker and that’s where I categorize “energy drinks.” I drink milk and dark beer primarily and I don’t really see the need for much else. But I fell for it – at 99 cents a can (and sugar free) what did I have to lose, right? --- SLEEP – that’s what!

I had some kitchen work to do this evening so when I got home I popped open a can of “Rip It” and put my favorite rocker on (Melissa Etheridge – nobody else comes close – don’t even go there!) Well I finished my chores hours ago and here I am at midnight, wide AWAKE. (I’ve done speed that wasn’t this good! (ancient history, Eggroll)). So I thought I’d get some work done – came down to the “office” logged on and started checking on my blogger buddies and. . . . (if you are reading this I don’t have to tell you what a time-suckage blogs are!) So then I thought I’d write a blog – I’m over due and so AWAKE, I might as well. So I started a blog about how great Melissa is and why she’s so great. But it turned into rambling (sort of like this) and I decided I couldn’t focus enough to do her justice. So I logged off. Went upstairs to pee (I know, TMI). Hmm It’s almost midnight and a “school night” I should go to bed – but how can I? I’m so AWAKE! Hot tub? – nahh, it’s raining and I really think I’m too wired to relax anyway. Then I realize that although I am cold (too cheap to turn up the heat) my cheeks (face) are burning and bright red. This seems a bit strange since my fingers are ice sickles – whatever?! Hmm, what will I do??? Read a book? No – way too sedentary. So I come back down stairs, log on again. . . . .????? I could try working again, but that would take focus – I don’t think I have enough focus to concentrate. So, ….????? So here I sit wide AWAKE, blogging about how AWAKE I am.

Anything else you want to talk about? ‘Cause, I’m really AWAKE and I could chat all night. Come to think if it, I never did speed alone. Now I know why. Maybe I should have some “Sleepy Time” tea? Or would that be the legal equivalent of a speed ball? Or I could have a few of those dark beers? As I recall that pretty much produces a really AWAKE drunk – no thanks. Oh well, I have 5 CD’s of Melissa on shuffle/repeat – so I could be up all night with her – hmmm – up all night with Melissa Etheridge – now that could be fun! … just a fantasy, I’m sure I’m not her type – too straight!

Okay well I’ll let you go to sleep now, but if you want to chat about anything, I’ll be right here, wide AWAKE!

Reality Check: Mom's Mortality

I went to bed Friday night and I laid there for some reason thinking about my mom and the fact that she is getting older – she is 74. I started out thinking about her age in the way that it effects me these days – her hearing is noticeably failing and that can be annoying; her memory has recently gotten quite bad and that is somewhere between annoying and embarrassing; she seems to be even more brazen then usual in doling out her sage advice and this is down-right irritating. Yes, I do realize how incredibly self-centered this thought process is – I am not proud of it, but I am being honest. And then, for the first time ever, I connected the dots – what happens after old age?

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NO. Not mom. Other people, yeah, but not MY mom. Well sure, someday. Someday it will happen to all of us, but not . . . .


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My mom is in really good health and she is very active for her age, you would never think she is 74 – other people who are 74 look old, my mom does not look, or act, or sound old (despite all the stuff I said before). How many people live to be 80? Some, but not a lot. My mom could die. Anytime. Maybe it will be a body/health thing. Maybe she will be in an accident. Maybe one day she just won’t wake up. And then what? ? ? ?

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And then I wouldn’t have my mom any more. And then there would be no chance left to tell her how much I love her. That even though we don’t always see eye to eye and we’ve been through some bad times, I respect her. That even though she wasn’t always the best mom in the world, it wasn’t her fault and I don’t blame her. That every good quality I have has a direct line to her. That I am sorry for every harsh word between us, even if we meant them at the time. . . .

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