Scary, Sad and Wonderful

“Beginnings are usually scary,
Endings are usually sad,
But it’s what happens in between that really matters”

That’s a quote from the movie “Hope Floats” –it has always stuck with me – it holds a lot of truth for everything in life, not the least of which is relationships (which was the context of the quote). Why are beginnings scary? Do we fear the unknown or do we fear the sad ending to come? I think it’s the latter. After all, when we are young and have no history for comparison, we jump into relationships, heart first – no guts/no glory!

They say that our intense emotional experiences are stamped on every cell in our bodies and becomes part of our physical make-up. This is how Post-Traumatic-Stress-Syndrome works. A person experiences something traumatic and the emotional response is engrained in their cells, so that when something happens later in life that reminds them of that event or emotional state, it triggers the same response, involuntarily. It doesn’t just come from a memory in their brain, it is a physical reaction. I always associated PTSS with something external and larger-then-life (e.g.: experiences of war). But several years ago I had a PTSS reaction to a relationship issue. The details aren’t important, but basically I jumped to an irrational assumption based on a quick flash of “I’ve been here before” and proceeded to rid myself of the situation in order to find the quickest possible escape route. I was shaken for weeks over it. Once I “came to my senses” I could see how completely irrational I had been and it really scared me that I had been so blinded to reality and so unable to control my reaction. Eventually I sought counseling (for a collection of issues) and when this event came up, the counselor explained the whole PTSS cell-stamping thing.

Of course this is an extreme example of how we avoid falling in the same hole twice. But it does seem like it’s a psychological defense mechanism – just like a child and a hot burner – they don’t generally touch it a second time. I don’t know about you, but that’s not a lesson I want my heart to learn. I don’t want to be a person who says “last time I used my heart like this I got burned, so I’m not going to use my heart like that again.” Because if I don’t engage my heart fully, I will never fully love or be loved; and I want that love, I want my heart to hurt because it is bursting with so much love that I can’t hold it all.

Is it scary? – hell yes! It might end and endings are usually sad. But it might be the best thing that ever happened to me, and am I willing to risk missing it because I didn’t have the guts to go for it? Remember: no guts/no glory. So here I go . . . I’m closing my eyes. . . I’m holding my breath. . . . and I’m taking that leap of faith. Faith in what? Faith in him? NO – Faith in me! Faith that I know myself well enough to know what I want and faith that I have good judgment and know that what I am getting my self into is everything I believe it to be.

And in the end, it may be sad. But what happens in between might be the best thing that ever happened to me. And that’s the part I want – I’m willing to be scared and I’m willing to be sad, because it’s what happens in between that really matters.

Road Trippin'

This is a continuation from Ginger’s blog (That’s Ms. Hill to You) of the same title published on 4/11. She got me started on this subject and as soon as I started commenting I realized I needed to just do my own blog on it.

“What is it about the road trip that gets me?” asks Ms. Hill. What a great question! And there are probably as many different answers out there as there are roadies! That’s the thing about road trips to those of us who are true roadies at heart – it’s very personal. For Ginger it’s the seeing of new things that inspires her and calls her to those never-ending dotted lines. You know, it just occurred to me that this would be a really fun psychological study of people. Becaue when I think about it, it doesn’t surprie me a bit that it’s that visual stimulation that tugs on Ginger to get out there and roll down the highway – Ginger is an artist and a very visual person, so it makes perfect sense to me that the draw for her is a visual one.

She also talks about the need to get out of her head and just "get out of here,” and that, I suspect is a universal restlesness in all roadies. Really – to the point where it becomes dificult to resist the urge to just say fuck it, pack the bags, quit the job and go. I lived this life for about 3 years. I was hooked up with a partner at the time who was the most restless of souls who have roamed this planet (which may have been associated with his unstable mental health). He could not stay anywhere for more then 6 months – literally we moved every 6 months and he kept thinking that the next place we landed was going to be the promised land, but what I realize now (hind site is always 20/20) is that no one place could ever offer him tranquility, because it was the times in between, the times on the road, that he was happiest. We crossed the country a couple of times and lived on the road in a variety of styles -- true roadies in an old RV, we lived in a tent twice (once by choice and once because we were homeless and had no money) we stayed in motels when we had money and in the car when we didn’t. Okay sorry, I won’t go on about those years – to coin a phrase: they were the best of times, they were the worst of times. But that’s how life is on the road – always the roller coaster – thrills and spills (of course this might also have be somewhat attributable to his mental health).

Okay sorry, back to where I was going with this - - - For me, I think the attraction is a feeling of groundedness that comes with being on the road. (Isn't that funny -- I feel more grounded when I'm mobile?!) It puts me in touch with the time and space I am in. I feel very present when I am on a road trip. It’s a state of mind all it’s own. (You must understand that a “road trip” is not tooting around town doing errands, it’s getting out there on the big road and covering some territory.) It’s not that my mind doesn’t wander when I’m road tripping, sure it does, but it’s like the energy around me is very crisp and my nerves are keenly attuned (okay, so maybe some of that is the amount of coffee I drink on the road – but whatever it is, it’s all part of the experience). And the other thing for me (maybe related) is the sense of being in my own little pod of space (the interior of my car) which is traveling along transporting me and keeping me somehow safe from all the stuff “out there.” Which leads me back to my theory of road trip attraction fitting with a psychological profile – I am definitely an introvert and don’t feel comfortable dealing with humans – my little “space pod” is like a safe and secluded nest to me on the road. I find my self feeling at loose ends with myself quite frequently in my everyday life – like I’m not quite fitting in to this place; but when I’m on the road, that sensation of being present erases all that insecurity and anxiety.

It’s true. I love being on the road. Thank you, Ms Hill, for reminding me how much.

The Stirrings of Spring

Mother Nature’s clock ticks on, returning all to this moment of awakening. These first few weeks, like those moments just before consciousness – that space between dreams and reality where there is only enough awareness to feel how good the dream is and surrender to the comforting weightlessness of its cradle.

The thread of a cool crisp breeze twisting around a bright sun beam forming a candy-cane of bright tinsel on warm gold.

The primal quenching of your soul’s thirst as Thundergod dispenses his nourishment to the suckling earth in an explosion of unbridled passion.

The hopeful determination of that first little crocus who dares to defy the logic of Jack Frost, frightening him off and forging the way for her more tender sisters.

The busying of amorous new couples in the forest creating their nurseries in perfect harmony and cooperation.

A swelling tide of green washes across the landscape, cleansing all that it covers with the rejuvenation and promise of life renewed.

The Dating Game

I’m not sure I even know what the definition of a date is. As an adult, what is the difference between hanging out and spending time getting to know some one vs. dating? Is it the same thing? Does there have to be some form of physical contact to be a date? Or an expectation or hope of physical contact? Or does there have to be the hope for mutual heart-felt feelings? I’m not sure.

What I am sure of is that I have never enjoyed the process; it’s always been very uncomfortable for me – painfully – to the point that I basically don’t even attempt to do it. It’s always feels like such a judgmental process – like its two people trying to put on their best front so the other person will like them and at the same time trying to see through the front that the other person is putting on to figure out how big of a jerk they really are. Does that sound like fun to you? It doesn’t to me – I am just NOT into the head game. And besides, no one in this scenario is actually getting to know the other person, your only getting to know the person they want you to think they are (seldom the same if they have to pretend – think about it!)

But what are the alternatives?
1. There’s resolving yourself to being single. I have become very happy with my single self – this has been working very well for me for over a year.
2. There’s the one-night-stand, where you meet, there are sparks and you hop in bed with no interest or intent of anything else by either party. This works fine if you are just looking for a release of sexual energy.
3. And then there is the fast-forward approach, where you meet, there are sparks, and you immediately hop in bed (skipping the awkward dating stage) and suddenly become over-night lovers. This path does not work, but the reason it is an attractive choice is because you can basically hold your breath, close your eyes and jump past that terrible, awful, awkward dating stage and just get to the relationship. This is ridiculous because what you have skipped is the part where you get to know each other and figure out whether or not this makes sense before getting into the relationship stage.

Well I have just discovered another option, one that many people probably already knew about, but which I have never had the pleasure (or good sense) to experience. Which is pretty sad considering that I am middle-aged and have had more relationships (all failed obviously) then I can count. Here it is –
4. honest dating – spend time with someone who you feel very comfortable with, someone who does not make you feel threatened in anyway. Be completely open and honest with this person and encourage them to be that way with you. Actually, the way this works is if they can see that your defenses are down and you are not painting on a façade, chances are good that they will follow suit. You will know if they are being real or not – if they can’t be real, skip them and don’t waste your time. If they are being as open and honest as you are, it will be pretty obvious whether or not you are compatible – do you share common values, similar interests, respect each others differences, can you talk about anything without the fear of judgment or rejection. If you answered yes to all the above, they are a keeper and you need to let them know how you feel. That’s part of the honesty – show them your honest self and don’t be afraid to let them know how you feel. Sounds scary, ah? Actually, not. It’s a pretty awesome experience.

Yes it’s true – I’m 43 and have just had my best-ever first date. My first honest date. I don’t know where it’s headed, but it’s off to a really good start.