An Awkward Pause

I tried to title this something very positive (like: “The Pause That Refreshes” or something cliché like that) but struggling to find the right words I realized that I struggle with pausing. Here I am on the eve of a two-week get-away vacation and I’m feeling sort of at odds. Part of it is that I am just ready to GO, but my partner has a commitment tomorrow morning, so we can’t leave until tomorrow afternoon (who starts vacation on Sunday afternoon?). And part of it is just feeling very in between – I have a break between semesters now – a few weeks with no commitments. That’s part of the problem; I don’t really know how to function with no commitments/deadlines. If we were not going away I would create a healthy to-do list and click them off one by one, but I can’t really rally enthusiasm to dive into something knowing I am going to be away for the next 2 weeks; so here I sit, to-do-less. It’s just not my mode of operation.

I’m sure I’ll be fine once we get on the road. Then there will be a schedule more or less – a route to take – places to go, people to see – a plan – at least the road under my wheels to give me a sense of momentum and progress. There was that whole list of to-dos to get ready to go and the list of items to pack – oil change, camping equipment, road food, all the right clothing for every occasion and climate, the right amount of shampoo, only the necessary footwear – but I got all that done too early it appears. So here I sit, to-do-less.

I tried to get serious about taking some reading material – professional/design periodicals or books? Political/social commentary? start a new fiction (ha – if we had any in our house) – oh screw it – it’s not like I am going to sit idly and read on this vacation anyway – but my partner will, and he will bring something interesting to read, I’m sure.

So, on the eve of this fabulous get-away, here I sit, to-do-less. Good thing the Fall semester starts as soon as I get back. Watch for my next entry to be a rant on having too many things to do!

We Are a Better Nation

We are a better nation for having elected Barak Obama. Even if he is unable to achieve any of the change that he proposes, we are a better people for having hope in a better future – believing that democracy can work; believing that we need to “do good” in the world; and believing that it is time to put our difference behind us and work together to heal this nation.

This time, there can be no argument that this was not the true majority of the American people. This was democracy at work as our forefathers intended it to be. Perhaps never, has a presidential candidate succeeded in engaging such a broad populous in the election process. People in our country have been jaded and cynical for years – either because they didn’t believe that their vote really mattered, or they didn’t think it made much difference which politician won. But this year was different. This year people took the time and went to the trouble to cast their vote; daring to believe that this time it would make a difference. For years to come, people will remember that when they unite, their voice is loud and it takes each and every one of those voices to create the roar. “. . . of the people, by the people, for the people” – today we can trust in that again.

This time the entire world rejoiced with us -- for us -- and for themselves. The American people have elected a leader who is deeply concerned with our country’s impact on other nations – someone who understands the difference between our rights and our responsibilities in foreign lands; and someone who values human rights across all boundaries.

This time we close the book on what has come to be known as the ugliest chapter in our nations history. We move on, passed the hatred and the prejudice. We learn to heal; we learn to trust; we begin to work on unifying instead of dividing.

This time there’s no sugar coating: The road will be long and it will be hard, it will require work and sacrifice from all of us. Our forefathers didn’t start this nation because they wanted “the easy life” – what they fought and died for was fairness and justice for all people – today we open a new chapter in history. Let no one stand in the way of our collective potential greatness.

YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!

Letter to the Editor - Kraftbrau

This letter is in response to the July 24th article regarding the anticipated new location and re-opening of Kraftbrau Brewery. I am pleased for Kraftbrau that they have found a place to reopen and I wish them success. My concern is with the location that they had previously hoped would house their re-opening (1126 E Michigan Ave.). This has been an abandoned building for some time and as a resident of the Eastside, I was pleased that Kraftbrau was going to re-open there. Maybe more energetic, young business would follow?! I was even more excited when I saw renovation being done on the building. Like most major renovations, it started with demolition. Before Kraftbrau set their sites on a different location, workers partially removed a relatively attractive façade which had covered a rather unattractive substructure. Additionally, there are now windows missing from the upper level. The building looks considerably worse then it did before they started – so much for enticing other business to move into the area.

I don’t know who was calling the shots on the renovation, and I’m not writing this letter to assign blame to anyone, but rather to express my concern for the consequences of a project that got started (with good intentions) but never came to fruition.

It’s nice for Andre Ellison of Kraftbrau that he is “really freakin’ excited” (as quoted in your article) about his new location for re-opening, but I hope everyone involved will put some serious forethought into what they are getting into before they start any demolition on their new location of choice. Property values in Kalamazoo are declining fast enough without the added blight of abandoned demolition projects.

Re-discovering My Path

Once upon a time, many years ago, shortly after graduating (more like escaping) high school, I took a couple of photography classes at the local community college – I can’t remember why – guess I just wanted too. That was a great thing for me at the time – I loved the photog classes and it got me geeked about going to school (which I had NEVER been in high school). I decided to matriculate toward a degree in Graphic Arts – not really sure where that would land me, but there would be time to figure that out – I had my whole life in front of me. That was in 1982. Now, here I am in 2008 (quick math: 26 years later), once again starting out on a path in Graphic Arts.

So what happened to me over the past 26 years? Well, first of all, I was not a full time student – I was working secretarial/administrative jobs back then while going to school nights, and I very quickly realized that the companies I worked for along the way would pay for my education IF I would take business (or other job-related) classes. So I took a bunch of really boring business, accounting, computer programming, and business law classes over the next ten or so years. (I also took some time off from life to pursue whimsical, strange, and less-then-wise adventures – won’t go into that here.) The point is, like so much of my life, I followed the path that others laid out for me, without questioning much whether it was what I WANTED to do. It was what others wanted for me (of me). So I went that way.

Don’t get me wrong – no sour grapes – it’s not anyone else’s fault/responsibility that I made the choices that I did. And in retrospect, I did very well for myself – I have gained valuable business experience as well as the respect of many professionals I have worked with and was able to progress along the proverbial ladder. (And also gained some interesting life experience if you count that whimsical, strange, less-then-wise period of my life). But the point is, here I am, 26 years latter, a middle-aged woman, looking at my life and saying “now it’s MY turn.” I have a wonderful partner in life who is completely supportive; I am in a place in life where I am no longer in a “survival” mode, and can make choices that feel more authentic to me.

I consulted a few more-than-middle-aged women friends, to see if they thought I was crazy – after all, by the time I’m done with this course of study I’ll be nearly 50 and competing with a bunch of fresh twenty-somethings! (Is this just a crazy mid-life crises?!) But the feedback I got was very supportive – basically addressing the fact that lots of people (especially woman) at my age take a look at their lives and figure that they’ve done what they “needed to” for one reason or another all their lives, and now they are ready to do what they WANT to do. That pretty well sums it up for me. I have no regrets, really. I made my own choices and took responsibility for them. But now it’s time to make new choices for myself.

So, here I go, signing up for Graphic Design (and Web Design) classes at the local community college and full of wonder about the road in front of me. It’s sorta like being a kid again!

"YES, WE CAN"

You know, I never would have expected me to be capable of this much optimism at this point. I have become very jaded and cynical about American politics and the “machine” that runs our country. I had reached a point where I was sure there was no possibility that anyone who was entrenched in the political process to the degree that they could seriously run for President could have enough integrity or compassion for the real people – the little people – the yous and mees of the country, to make a difference and really turn things around. But just when my light of hope was nearly extinguished . . . along came Barack Obama.

I liked the guy right out of the gate – although I hadn’t really educated myself on him yet, so I was reserving my full support. I liked him, but I liked Edwards too (I liked Edwards 4 years ago and wondered if the ticket had been Edwards/Kerry instead of Kerry/Edwards if the Dems would have stood a better chance.) But then Edwards dropped out and it was Barack and Hilary left standing. (Okay, right here I should say – I am an Independent – I am WAY to much of a control freak to sign on to a “party” to decide for me – so I am an independent who hangs out on the left end of the spectrum. Although I have to say, if Kerry had not been running against Bush (the Axis of Evil) it might have been hard for me to vote for him!) Back to Obama . . . so that left Hillary and Barack. You know I really liked Bill Clinton (I couldn't care less where he was getting his blow jobs) and I don’t have anything against Hillary (exactly) but in comparison, Hillary does not inspire me. I feel like Hillary wants to be (the first woman) President and if she fixes things along the way, she’d be happy about that too. Where as, I feel like Barack really wants to make our country (and the world) a better place, and he has determined that by being President he could make a difference (and sure, as a bonus, be the first African-American President).

Okay, so yeah – I am on board for all the catch phrases – “Change we can believe in” . . . “Yes We Can” . . . “I’m fired up” . . . “Hope” . . . “Change” . . . Tell me what’s wrong with any one of those? What’s to argue with?! This is the first politician at this level that I can point to and say “he’s walkin’ the walk.” I am so "fired up" about this guy that it is the first campaign I have ever joined and financially supported. At this point the Primary is coming to an end, the Democratic Party is uniting; Hillary is being provided a respectful exit path; and Obama is already setting his sites on McCain. And I would think he is breathing a sigh of relief! (I certainly am!) McCain will be a walk in the proverbial park compared to Edwards and Hillary!

If I had to sum up in one sentence why I like Obama, (if you know me, you know it’s really hard for me to say anything in ONE sentence!) I think this is it: “Barack Obama is not afraid to speak truth to power” When it comes to any issue, no matter how unpopular his point might seem, he’s not afraid to look them in the eye and say it. He went to the “Detroit Three” and told them that they were going to have to make cars that burn only a certain amount of fuel. Do you think he said this to win their vote? NO, of course not -but it's reality -- even the US is going to have to make some change to adjust to the reality.

I have LOTS more to say about Obama, but let me close with this one vision I have: The reality is, poor black kids have very little expectation that anything good is going to come for them. Their self esteem is so low that in many schools they are ridiculed and called “whitey” by their peers for trying to achieve good grades. What a difference it would make for them, and for our culture, if an African-American were President of the United States. I expect that this would set a precedent so that every kid . . . Black, Asian, Hispanic, woman, gay, lesbian, whatever . . . could say, "I could be President of the United States” and have everyone believe that it’s true!

Yes, he is facing horrendous obstacles – who in their right mind would want to inherit the current situation.?! It is going to be difficult (at best) for anyone to succeed under the these adversities; but Barack Obama instills hope in me – even if he can’t succeed in all he hopes to achieve, I still want to back this horse! I want to vote for HOPE. Consider the alternatives!

YES, WE CAN!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHEO_fG3mm4

Why Must Hormones Rage?!

Okay, I’m not going to do the whole “it’s not fair” thing, because in the end – even with the hot flashes, mood swings, and cramps, I’m still glad I’m a woman. But why do the hormones that make it fun to be a woman have to turn me into a psycho bitch every month? I’m guessing that by now there is some biological explanation of how these hormones function and why a by-product of their function happens to turn me into Ms. Hyde once a month!

It didn’t used to be so bad – it used to just make me a fragile little waif for a couple days – Once a month I’d go through the whole “nobody loves me” thing; I’d rehash every childhood trauma; every bad relationship – I’d spend a few weepy days to myself, but all in all it didn’t effect the way I related to others. I remember I used to say “man, why can’t I be a bitch on PMS like everybody else!” I was/am the type who is always trying to please everyone else, and the idea of being a raving bitch for a few days seemed exotically appealing to me.

Then I went off the pill . . . That’s when my “periodic” personality disorder (PPD) started. No kidding – it’s like some demon takes possession of me for a couple days. I am a serious control freak – I don’t need to control others, but I will not tolerate someone else controlling me – so you can imagine how it makes me feel every month when I lose control of myself to this weird force within! I recently saw a documentary regarding various types of mental illness and I sat there thinking to myself “I can totally relate to these people!” Thankfully I don’t have to deal with it every day of my life, but that’s not much comfort while it’s happening.

Every month I tell myself that I am bigger than my hormones – I know when it’s happening, I can CHOOSE not to let this beat me. But every month I lose the battle. See PPD works in devious ways – when it takes over, the first thing it does is implant this paranoia where everything anyone says to me is immediately interpreted to be an obvious challenge or a hidden criticism. (ie” my partner says “honey, I’d be happy to help you weed that garden if you like” and I immediately snap at him, because OF COURSE what he was really thinking was “you can’t weed for shit, and if I don’t help you, you will do it wrong, wrong, WRONG!”) And because in my mind there is no other way to interpret it, my response is something very biting and defiant. And then on top of it, I have not lost the fragileness of yesteryear – so then the person walks away and I cry because I don’t understand why “everyone thinks I’m such a loser and failure at everything.” Do you see what a frigin’ nightmare this is?!

And unfortunately, I take this out the worst on the person I love the most -- my partner. I’m not sure why, but it’s really sad, because of all the people I should be the most kind to, it’s him – but I’m not. Actually, he has helped me to make inroads on conquering my PPD. He has encouraged me to let him know when I feel it coming on, so that he will be more conscious to treat me gently and understand that it’s not really me talking when I say something mean, it’s the demon that temporarily possesses me. And he is extra careful to be kind and gentle and loving toward me so that I’m less likely to feel like he doesn’t love me, or that he thinks I’m a complete loser.

Then it goes away, and there I am, every month, apologizing to my partner for being a raving bitch, but feeling really bad, because you lose your sincerity when you have to apologize for the same thing over and over again. An apology is not a license to go do it again. My hormones are a reason for my unpleasant behavior, not an excuse. I give myself this lecture every month, and then I vow that next month I am NOT going to let this thing get me – after all I am bigger than my hormones! (aren't I?)

The Grocery Bill is Just a Warning Sign

We went to the grocery store tonight and spent $140 -- and we didn't purchase any meat! I didn't even consider this a "big order" it was just sort of stocking up on a few things and filling in. Yowsa! - That’s a lot of money for toiletries, a few canned goods and some produce. We gave up deli meat a month ago because the price of turkey at the deli counter is outrageous. (Oreo (our cat) loves that we have switched to tuna!)

The recent increase in the cost of food and gasoline – two major necessities in our culture are putting some people over the edge. I am thankful that I can’t really imagine what this means to people already living in poverty. I have made the faux sacrifice of cutting out fresh deli meats from my grocery order – what are others cutting? -- milk? fruit? proteins? medicines? What does a family do when they fill their gas tank (so they can get to work), pay for daycare (again so they can go to work), and buy a few groceries, and then the rent is due or the utility bill comes and the well is dry? What are their choices? -- live on credit? miss a rent/house payment? skip the utility bills? How do you set priorities when you can’t even cover the basics?

This is just the beginning. For the population that is already experiencing poverty, even minor increases in cost of necessities will drive them to extremes -- people will suffer from malnutrition, people will die of exposure, people will turn to crime out of desperation to survive and provide for their families. As for the sliding middle class who are losing their jobs and losing their homes, it will lead to depression, mental and physical illness, and domestic violence. So what? -- the middle class sinks in to poverty and the poor go extinct? Is that the society our “great nation” has built?

That’s a bleak and admittedly dramatic prediction, but some part of that is very certain to become reality. We need to look at the big picture and recognize what is really happening. People are starting to get scared, and they are looking at their own situations and how all of this will affect them. But what is desperately needed is for people to look at themselves as part of the whole -- no ONE will be saved from this mess – we are all in it together. We have to take care of ourselves, but we also have to take care of each other. Forget about all the details that might divide us – we are all part of the same society, and if one of us is suffering, we are all suffering, and we are all to blame.