How the Grinch Stole New Years

The clock is ticking – less then 30 hours left to this year and I still was not decided on a New Years’ Resolution (and I’ve been getting a little pressure on the subject – something about giving up meaningless sex? – surely you jest!) So anyway, here I sit on New Years’ Eve Eve doing some year-end account analysis – reworking my budget (for the umpteenth time!), paying bills, and reconciling my accounts. This is always a sobering process for me (which is why I have to drink while I’m doing it). I don’t understand why my budget calculations work on paper, but yet I’m always coming up short in my accounts, having to scramble to move money around. It’s sorta’ like when you’re a kid and you don’t want to eat your peas, so you spread them around your plate thinking it will fool your mother. That’s how I generally handle my finances – I just spread the little bits of green around and hope that it will fool someone (like me) into thinking I actually have more money then I do.

So, here it is – nothing as titillating as meaningless sex, I’m afraid – my 2006 New Years’ Resolution is: To Be More Fiscally Responsible (subtitled: Stop spending money you don’t have, dummy!). Alas – so much for my last blog, teasing of “better wines” in 2006. Well, at least this makes me more appreciative of the $40 bottle of French Champagne I just bought to ring out 2005. Thank god meaningless sex is free!

Happy New Year to all (just don't expect a gift -- I'm on a budget now, ya' know)!

Resolutions You Can Embrace!

My New Years’ resolution last year was “drink more wine.” Now here was a resolution I could embrace! People seem to think they have to give something up for their New Years’ resolutions (lose 10 lbs., quit smoking, stop having meaningless sex. . . .) but they have their quasi-holidays mixed up. Lent is the one where you have to give something up that you enjoy (sweets, cigarettes, alcohol . . .). Nobody said you had to give up anything for your New Years’ resolution; you just need to say you are going to do something and do it. Why set yourself up for failure?! Make a vow that you are going to do something you always wanted to do, or do more of something you already enjoy (like drinking wine!).

Well this is funny – I decided if I was going to blog-on about the true meaning of “resolutions” that I better look the word up and make sure I’m right. As stated in my Encyclopedic Dictionary:
Resolution (n.): 1. the act of resolving or of reducing to a simpler form. 2. The state of being resolute;active fortitude . . .
Resolve (v.): 1. to decide or determine (to do something) . . .
Resolve (v.t.): 1. to solve anew or again . . .
Resolute (adj.) 1. having a fixed purpose; determined . . .
Considering the vast number of people who make the same New Years’ resolution year after year to lose weight, I think the references to “reducing to a simpler form” and “to solve again or anew” are quite ironic!

Getting back to last year’s resolution - I can stand proud and attest to the success of meeting this goal. I have consumed WAY more wine this year then in past years. Having previously been proud of my Beer-Goddess status, I think that wine has perhaps surpassed beer as my intoxicating libation of choice. (Lucky for me it’s not an either/or thing – I can have my Zinfandel AND my Guinness!)

So what will it be this year? I really can’t stick with “drink more wine,” because at this point, I’m not sure that more wine would be a good thing. Maybe I can strive for better wines? Or the consumption of some eclectic collection of wines? Or find a new fun topic to explore? Hmmm, well, I have a couple more days to figure it out!

Forks in the Heart

We are faced with choices every day, carrying a range of impact on our lives, from low (do I want to stop for coffee this morning?) to very high (should I accept this job transfer out of state?). Every decision that we make, regardless of its level of impact, is a fork in the road for us, each decision will put us on a unique path that an alternative decision would not have.

And then there are the forks in the heart. This occurs when presented with a choice that involves your heart when you don’t know what to do. Many choices might cause a stress-related reaction, but forks in the heart cause a very unique emotional and physical reaction, far greater then other types of choices -- everything stops – the world stops turning, time stands still, your breath is suspended. The entire time you are making your decision, choosing your path, there is an arrow piercing your heart. And each time you look back at that fork in your heart to wonder “did I take the right path?” the arrow twists, ever so slightly.

There are no caution signs for forks in the heart -- navigation can be risky, fun, humiliating, exhilarating, painful, exciting -- Good luck!

I Love Being Single!

And I hate “dating” – so when I say single, I mean seriously single. (Okay, right, so the first thing that popped into your little pea-brain was “oh, but there’s no sex.” -- you know I really wanted to talk about all the positives of being single, but if you are going to force me down this path, I will debate the negatives first – fine – I’m flexible!) Well, actually there is occasionally sex, some of it is even really good, although most of it is pretty mediocre and barely memorable the next morning (when I’m sober) leaving me to wonder why I bothered. But I seem to have this (maybe weird?) ability to switch off my sex drive (this has also happened involuntarily when I have been in relationships – not so good then). It’s like my brain sends out some anti-sex enzyme that slows my libido to a crawl until I have a use for it again. So this really helps. Another draw back is that it can be easy to feel lonely or unloved when you are low, but if you have a few close fiends, this is not a lingering effect. And lastly, sometimes it's a drag not having a “date” to go places, especially when a lot of your friends are couples and you are sort of hanging around on the fringe – but if they are good friends they won’t let you feel this way for long. AND I might add that sometimes it’s more fun to go to certain functions/events as a single. (So – that’s it – that’s all the energy the down side gets.)

(Where was I? Oh yeah --) I love being single! Mostly I think I really like ME better when I’m single. I’ve got a good head on my shoulders, I’m self-reliant, somewhat confident about my world (if not myself), I have a kick-ass job, and I like to have fun! – what’s not to like? But I have this terrible habit of loosing site of myself when I get hooked up in a relationship – I do it every time! It’s really pathetic (and it’s also a discussion for a therapist not my blog). So the fact that I like ME better when I’m single has a lot to do with why I like being single.

But the other factors are time and space and maybe this is part of not being good at managing myself in a relationship too. (That’s probably what this all comes down to – poor self-management in intimate relationships – I’m sure there’s a 12 step program for that somewhere!) I like having my own space, and I like having lots of time to myself. I don’t know that I could share my living space with someone again. I’m not saying I won’t ever have another (maybe several) committed, meaningful relationships, but can I keep my house? By myself! And then there is the time-suckage thing -- do I have time for a full time person in my life? Honestly, I don’t know how couples do it and keep their sanity. There are 24 hours in a day – lets say we sleep for 8 (I wish), and we work for 8 (during the week) that leaves only 8 hours left in my day – and there is life maintenance to be done – groceries, banking, laundry. . . And don’t forget about the things I want to do for myself – read books, practice my flute, garden, sip a glass of wine in peace and quiet . . .

PING! Sorry, time’s up! I don’t have the time, the space, or the need for someone in my life right now!

(Check with me again in a week or so (ha!))

My Religious Beliefs

I’m a Unitarian Universalist, which is really fun, because it means that I don’t have to believe in any set of beliefs or rules that someone else came up with. I am free to believe what I care to and expected to give everyone the respect and freedom to believe as they care to. This is a religion that suits me very well. Anyway, my church invited us to write a description of our religious beliefs in 250 words or less, so I figured I’d give it a try -- oh my God! (no pun intended!) There are entire religions (lots of them!) built around religious beliefs – 250 words! (so I went over a little, but not much). Here it is:

I believe there is a “greater power” in the world, but not what I think of as “God”, for me it is more like Mother Nature. Not a power that is controlling my fate or the fate of the world; and not a power who presides above me to judge or condemn me. But a greater power in the sense that there is a “force” that is bigger and wiser than humanity and whose concern it is to keep this space (planet/universe/infinity) in balance. And I believe that she is sad and that we disappoint her.

It is this that brings me to the concept of humans on this planet. I don’t like to say “I believe” – because I’m not really sure – I like to say “I consider as a possibility”. So, I consider as a possibility that humans are not indigenous to this planet, because we are the only species destroying the planet – and that doesn’t feel right to me. So, what? The alien thing? I don’t know, but I consider as a possibility that something from somewhere else mixed with an existing species way back when, and evolution turned us into what we are today -- not all bad and not all good.

I’m still working on the “soul” thing. Lately I consider that perhaps all life shares a melting pot of soul and some of us got bigger doses then others at birth, and when we die, our soul returns to the melting pot to mix with others and be redistributed to new life.

Some days I consider other possibilities. I guess to me that’s what my religion is – the considering of possibilities.

Breathing, Blowing and Tonguing

Three things I would have said I had down! but as I have to keep reminding everyone -- "it's not that kind of flute!" Yeah, so at 43 years old I rekindle this bright idea that I've always thought it would be the coolest thing to be able to make music, and I've always liked the sound of the flute, so, why not? Why not?! - well, for starters - - breathing, blowing, and tonguing! Yup, I've had three leasons and that's what I've learned -- or I should say "am learning" -- I have not mastered any of them really, although I've just about got the breathing down.

Actually I've learned a few notes too - 'cause how are you going to practice breathing, blowing and tonguing without a note to breath, blow and tongue on?! It's amazing how many offers (all from men) I've had to help me practice my breathing, blowing and tonguing. So I flipped through my "Easy Flute Solos" book to find a song I know and that only contains notes that I've learned (or am willing to teach myself). At this point I can just about play the first line of "Love Me Tender" - although my timing sucks (thank god it's a slow song!) and that jump from C to D is ugly! But, hey, I am pretty pleased with myself. I don't expect to be invited to join the Grand Rapids Symphony anytime soon (or ever!) but it's a start.

All in all, it's a good experience for me, you know -- a new oportunity to grow; a new demension to my personality; and all that sort of crap. Although I have to say - this is seriously effecting my relationship with Oreo (cat). The only thing he hates worse then my flute noise is my new metronome! Ha! He literally leaves the room as soon as I start practicing.

Well, that's all for now, I need to get back to my breathing, blowing and tonguing exercises. Here kitty, kitty, kitty!

Blogging? What Exactly IS Blogging?

I don't exactly get the whole "Blog" thing. I don't generally have a problem spouting my opinons to people, so I don't know why anyone would want to read them. But now that I have several friends with blog sites, I figure, hell - I'm no less interesting then they are! So I'll give it a try -- but I warn you -- I am a moody little bitch and it's hard to say what might show up here. I suppose that's the fun of it.