Why Must Hormones Rage?!

Okay, I’m not going to do the whole “it’s not fair” thing, because in the end – even with the hot flashes, mood swings, and cramps, I’m still glad I’m a woman. But why do the hormones that make it fun to be a woman have to turn me into a psycho bitch every month? I’m guessing that by now there is some biological explanation of how these hormones function and why a by-product of their function happens to turn me into Ms. Hyde once a month!

It didn’t used to be so bad – it used to just make me a fragile little waif for a couple days – Once a month I’d go through the whole “nobody loves me” thing; I’d rehash every childhood trauma; every bad relationship – I’d spend a few weepy days to myself, but all in all it didn’t effect the way I related to others. I remember I used to say “man, why can’t I be a bitch on PMS like everybody else!” I was/am the type who is always trying to please everyone else, and the idea of being a raving bitch for a few days seemed exotically appealing to me.

Then I went off the pill . . . That’s when my “periodic” personality disorder (PPD) started. No kidding – it’s like some demon takes possession of me for a couple days. I am a serious control freak – I don’t need to control others, but I will not tolerate someone else controlling me – so you can imagine how it makes me feel every month when I lose control of myself to this weird force within! I recently saw a documentary regarding various types of mental illness and I sat there thinking to myself “I can totally relate to these people!” Thankfully I don’t have to deal with it every day of my life, but that’s not much comfort while it’s happening.

Every month I tell myself that I am bigger than my hormones – I know when it’s happening, I can CHOOSE not to let this beat me. But every month I lose the battle. See PPD works in devious ways – when it takes over, the first thing it does is implant this paranoia where everything anyone says to me is immediately interpreted to be an obvious challenge or a hidden criticism. (ie” my partner says “honey, I’d be happy to help you weed that garden if you like” and I immediately snap at him, because OF COURSE what he was really thinking was “you can’t weed for shit, and if I don’t help you, you will do it wrong, wrong, WRONG!”) And because in my mind there is no other way to interpret it, my response is something very biting and defiant. And then on top of it, I have not lost the fragileness of yesteryear – so then the person walks away and I cry because I don’t understand why “everyone thinks I’m such a loser and failure at everything.” Do you see what a frigin’ nightmare this is?!

And unfortunately, I take this out the worst on the person I love the most -- my partner. I’m not sure why, but it’s really sad, because of all the people I should be the most kind to, it’s him – but I’m not. Actually, he has helped me to make inroads on conquering my PPD. He has encouraged me to let him know when I feel it coming on, so that he will be more conscious to treat me gently and understand that it’s not really me talking when I say something mean, it’s the demon that temporarily possesses me. And he is extra careful to be kind and gentle and loving toward me so that I’m less likely to feel like he doesn’t love me, or that he thinks I’m a complete loser.

Then it goes away, and there I am, every month, apologizing to my partner for being a raving bitch, but feeling really bad, because you lose your sincerity when you have to apologize for the same thing over and over again. An apology is not a license to go do it again. My hormones are a reason for my unpleasant behavior, not an excuse. I give myself this lecture every month, and then I vow that next month I am NOT going to let this thing get me – after all I am bigger than my hormones! (aren't I?)