The Dating Game
I’m not sure I even know what the definition of a date is. As an adult, what is the difference between hanging out and spending time getting to know some one vs. dating? Is it the same thing? Does there have to be some form of physical contact to be a date? Or an expectation or hope of physical contact? Or does there have to be the hope for mutual heart-felt feelings? I’m not sure.
What I am sure of is that I have never enjoyed the process; it’s always been very uncomfortable for me – painfully – to the point that I basically don’t even attempt to do it. It’s always feels like such a judgmental process – like its two people trying to put on their best front so the other person will like them and at the same time trying to see through the front that the other person is putting on to figure out how big of a jerk they really are. Does that sound like fun to you? It doesn’t to me – I am just NOT into the head game. And besides, no one in this scenario is actually getting to know the other person, your only getting to know the person they want you to think they are (seldom the same if they have to pretend – think about it!)
But what are the alternatives?
1. There’s resolving yourself to being single. I have become very happy with my single self – this has been working very well for me for over a year.
2. There’s the one-night-stand, where you meet, there are sparks and you hop in bed with no interest or intent of anything else by either party. This works fine if you are just looking for a release of sexual energy.
3. And then there is the fast-forward approach, where you meet, there are sparks, and you immediately hop in bed (skipping the awkward dating stage) and suddenly become over-night lovers. This path does not work, but the reason it is an attractive choice is because you can basically hold your breath, close your eyes and jump past that terrible, awful, awkward dating stage and just get to the relationship. This is ridiculous because what you have skipped is the part where you get to know each other and figure out whether or not this makes sense before getting into the relationship stage.
Well I have just discovered another option, one that many people probably already knew about, but which I have never had the pleasure (or good sense) to experience. Which is pretty sad considering that I am middle-aged and have had more relationships (all failed obviously) then I can count. Here it is –
4. honest dating – spend time with someone who you feel very comfortable with, someone who does not make you feel threatened in anyway. Be completely open and honest with this person and encourage them to be that way with you. Actually, the way this works is if they can see that your defenses are down and you are not painting on a façade, chances are good that they will follow suit. You will know if they are being real or not – if they can’t be real, skip them and don’t waste your time. If they are being as open and honest as you are, it will be pretty obvious whether or not you are compatible – do you share common values, similar interests, respect each others differences, can you talk about anything without the fear of judgment or rejection. If you answered yes to all the above, they are a keeper and you need to let them know how you feel. That’s part of the honesty – show them your honest self and don’t be afraid to let them know how you feel. Sounds scary, ah? Actually, not. It’s a pretty awesome experience.
Yes it’s true – I’m 43 and have just had my best-ever first date. My first honest date. I don’t know where it’s headed, but it’s off to a really good start.
What I am sure of is that I have never enjoyed the process; it’s always been very uncomfortable for me – painfully – to the point that I basically don’t even attempt to do it. It’s always feels like such a judgmental process – like its two people trying to put on their best front so the other person will like them and at the same time trying to see through the front that the other person is putting on to figure out how big of a jerk they really are. Does that sound like fun to you? It doesn’t to me – I am just NOT into the head game. And besides, no one in this scenario is actually getting to know the other person, your only getting to know the person they want you to think they are (seldom the same if they have to pretend – think about it!)
But what are the alternatives?
1. There’s resolving yourself to being single. I have become very happy with my single self – this has been working very well for me for over a year.
2. There’s the one-night-stand, where you meet, there are sparks and you hop in bed with no interest or intent of anything else by either party. This works fine if you are just looking for a release of sexual energy.
3. And then there is the fast-forward approach, where you meet, there are sparks, and you immediately hop in bed (skipping the awkward dating stage) and suddenly become over-night lovers. This path does not work, but the reason it is an attractive choice is because you can basically hold your breath, close your eyes and jump past that terrible, awful, awkward dating stage and just get to the relationship. This is ridiculous because what you have skipped is the part where you get to know each other and figure out whether or not this makes sense before getting into the relationship stage.
Well I have just discovered another option, one that many people probably already knew about, but which I have never had the pleasure (or good sense) to experience. Which is pretty sad considering that I am middle-aged and have had more relationships (all failed obviously) then I can count. Here it is –
4. honest dating – spend time with someone who you feel very comfortable with, someone who does not make you feel threatened in anyway. Be completely open and honest with this person and encourage them to be that way with you. Actually, the way this works is if they can see that your defenses are down and you are not painting on a façade, chances are good that they will follow suit. You will know if they are being real or not – if they can’t be real, skip them and don’t waste your time. If they are being as open and honest as you are, it will be pretty obvious whether or not you are compatible – do you share common values, similar interests, respect each others differences, can you talk about anything without the fear of judgment or rejection. If you answered yes to all the above, they are a keeper and you need to let them know how you feel. That’s part of the honesty – show them your honest self and don’t be afraid to let them know how you feel. Sounds scary, ah? Actually, not. It’s a pretty awesome experience.
Yes it’s true – I’m 43 and have just had my best-ever first date. My first honest date. I don’t know where it’s headed, but it’s off to a really good start.
posted by 10-8-ious | 4:50 PM
4 Comments:
Good for you! Aging really seems to advance the connections. Remember rambling on about hand holding? Now we want a little more piece of the action.
OH MY GOD...at last, someone who understands the problem!!! I have had certain associates approach me and ask if I'm gay, because I haven't dated anybody in...gee, well, forever.
I like my life, I don't have to compromise with anyone. I've been known to use alternative number 2; but I don't shit where I live, and I don't use my friends for sex toys (unless they really want me to ;-) I prefer to keep my one night (or one hour) stands to myself.
I hate who I become when I'm dating, because I detect what they're looking for, and emulate it...why?!
I don't know, and I guess I would need to date more to fix it, but then I'd have to put up with all of the emotional shit that goes along with dating - the rejection, the uncertainty, the days waiting for "him" to call - gee, its pretty much like looking for a job!
After I got divorced I went through two one year-longish relationships, both of which I enjoyed, and both times I was dumped. Before I got married I was always the dumper, never the dumpee...I don't like this turnabout.
The funny thing is, I was able to be most myself with the first one (Eric), who everyone hated...of course that one ended badly, but it doesn't mean that what we had was bad...
After boyfriend #2, who was so good to me, but he could never get over the age difference, I just decided I was going to hold out (well, not really hold out...I have had sex - thank you one night stands!) for someone who I knew as a friend who I was also attracted to. Still waiting for that, all of my male friends are married!@#$%!
How did you meet fabulous first date man? Please tell me it wasn't online!! Not that online dating is a bad thing, just that that's how my ex-hubby met his new wife, before we were divorced...you can understand my aversion.
Ginger -- you can't "go looking" -- if you are looking, your probably looking too hard and only seeing what you want too (those traits you're looking for) and blind to all the red flags you would otherwise be seeing.
I think when it's right your natural chemistry pulls you together and you find each other -- could be anywhere.
I'm doing the honest dating thing. I'll let you know how it goes. So far, so good....
There always is that troublesome question of how much to tell about you past relationships(if at all) and when....
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