The Need to Nest is Strong

I had a really odd day Saturday, I wasn’t quite myself, but I wasn’t quite someone else either – or maybe I was and I just don’t know that person. I'm calling it an out-of-mind experience. I’ve had this sensation before, but not often and not for a long time. It feels like it should be drug-induced, but it wasn’t. It was the first day in a long time that I had absolutely no plans and no commitments. (What does that say about me?). Between my job, my recent church involvement and my more recent flute lessons, I no longer have a routine day that I go to bed without the alarm set and say, “screw it, I’ll sleep ‘til noon if I want to!” Not that I would sleep until noon – but the feeling of knowing that I could is the gratifying part. But my flute lesson was moved this week, so I had no commitment Saturday morning and really had no particular plans for the day. (Maybe this was the problem? – I had no plan. – Please tell me I don’t require that much structure in my life!)

So I slept until 10:00 and finally roused out of bed closer to 11:00 – completely rested, but not quite myself – sort of in a haze. I just couldn’t focus on anything. I had a list of things I might consider accomplishing – clean the house, run a couple of errands in Kzoo, get some food in the house, pay bills, catch up on my personal emails. Nothing terribly pressing; it all could have been skipped with no notice to anyone. (Maybe this was the problem? – I had no deadlines. – Please tell me I don’t require that much structure in my life!)

I decided to start the day with breakfast – I had been lying in bed thinking that a breakfast sandwich would be good – I have some whole wheat bagels, eggs, cheese, and some turkey bacon – yeah, I’ll do that. But my brain was not fully awake and this is not a good mental state to cook in – sufficive to say, it turned out a gooey, dripping, cardboard-like disaster. I force myself to eat almost half of it before I toss it in the trash. (Maybe this was my problem? – my grandmother always said breakfast is the most important meal. – Please tell me I don’t require that much structure in my life)

After cleaning up that mess, I shoveled the snow off my patio while trying to decide on a plan – the house cleaning and the errands seem like the two things I most wanted to accomplish. So first I gear up to run my errands – make a list (yes, I know about this part of my required structure) and bundle up in my coat, gloves, scarf. . . But just as I am opening the door to leave I think to myself “I don’t know if I really feel like striking right out for these errands?” and “If I leave the house now, I probably will not feel like cleaning the house later and it will never get done.” Okay, that settled it – the list goes in my pocketbook for later, I take the coat, gloves, scarf off and I proceed to half clean the house – which is to say I vacuum, feather-dust and clean the toilet. This is only half cleaning my house because it is overdue for a full cleaning – floors mopped, shower and sinks scrubbed, mirrors windexed, the whole nine yards. But I absolutely do not have it in me to do all that, in fact the whole time I’m half cleaning my house (really just wanting it to be over!) I am wondering how much it would cost to get a cleaning lady to come clean my house really good once a month, and whether or not that is way too decadent for a UU to even be considering – after all, I live alone and it’s a tiny house – that is the one great selling point of a tiny house – “its so easy to clean” -- (yeah – well not today!) It’s not that I felt tired or lazy – I was just really not focused enough to want to be doing these tasks – I was going through the motions, but it felt more like I was watching me do them, but not really doing them.

After half cleaning the house I set out for my errands – one is a used book store I’ve wanted to check out and the other is a health food store in that same neighborhood that surely carries some of the whole grain flours I need for some bread recipes I’ve been wanting to try. But I’m really having trouble visualizing myself going on these errands – why is this important to me? This becomes almost daunting for me. I don’t get it – it’s a book store (I love book stores) and a health food store that I have been in numerous times. Why is this lack of visualization making me feel so intimidated? (Maybe this is my problem? I can’t engage myself in a task I can’t visualize myself doing.—Please tell me I don’t require that much structure in my life!) But insecurities and apprehensions in tow, I head out on my adventure – after making several wrong turns on the way (I’m just not destined to do this!) I find myself at the very cool little book store in Kzoo. But they don’t have the specific book I wanted (not too surprising it’s a used book store – you can’t be picky) and I tell the guy, “okay thanks, I’m just gonna look around awhile.” The guy walks away and all the sudden I felt like I had never stepped foot in a book store before. I could have been on a different planet and I would not have felt more out of place. This is not like me, I love browsing book stores – it’s one of my favorite past times – (yeah – well not today!) This sensation did wear off after several minutes (although it felt like an hour) and I successfully browsed the “Contemporary Classics” section and ended up buying 4 books (to add to my collection of books I don’t have time to read).

So I leave the book store and head up the road toward the health food store, although, I knew, even as I pulled my car away from the book store that I was not going to go to the health food store. Now, mind you, this is not a part of town that I frequent, and if I don’t stop today, it may be some time before I make a special trip over here again. I don’t care – the book store was much too traumatic – I am not going to yet another foreign planet today – I have a serious need to get back home to the safety of my home – where there are no other humans and everything is very familiar to me.

But I am hungry, it’s mid afternoon by now and I threw out most of my breakfast (don’t remind me!). Hmm, well, I am driving right by the super market that has fresh sushi – that’s always a treat for me, I sometimes go out of my way to come here for sushi and look, it’s right here!. . . . Well, it’s right back there now. I drove past it while trying to convince myself I should stop. Nope – didn’t want any part of that place either. So I head toward home. I have no intention of doing a full grocery order, but I know that there is nothing in my house that I want to eat, and I have called in a prescription to my local grocery store, so – kill two birds, right? NOT. Oh, but so close! I pulled in to the drive that leads to my grocery store, but at the very last second veered off for the McDonalds drive-thru because I really don’t want to get out of my car, or deal with humans, or stand in a grocery store trying to make decisions. So instead I settle for grease & salt (my favorite nemesis!) and head for the comfort-zone of my house.

Twenty minutes later I am curled up on my couch with my blanket, my cat and a good book, the fireplace glowing, and I realize - - - THIS is what I’ve wanted to do all day! And there I stayed, late into the night, soaking up as much blissful comfort as I could.

The lesson learned – don’t fight your need to nest! If you wake up and feel like an alien – it’s your mind’s way of telling you that you don’t want to go out there in the world today, what you really need is the comfort and safety of your own nest. The reason fate occasionally hands a busy person a day with no plans, no commitments, no deadlines, is so they can stay home, relax, and enjoy their nest!