UNCLE!

That’s it! I can’t take it anymore! UNCLE! (If you are easily offended cover your ears for a minute (or in this case, cover your eyes)) . . . FUCK THE FLUTE. I’m done! I gave it an earnest try, but it’s just not working out. I’m tired of sounding like a cat fight every time I sit down to practice. I’m tired of telling myself how much I suck. I suck so bad I don’t want to practice (because it is degrading) and guess what? – that makes me suck worse! When I started and I was so jovial about my “breathing, blowing and tonguing” (see blog of 12/19/05), Eggroll said “give it at least 6 months – don’t give up before 6 months.” Well, Eggroll, it’s been 5 months, 1 week and 3 days - - sorry bud, I just couldn’t make it to a full 6 months. It’s not that I can’t afford another 2 lessons to get me to the end of the month, it’s that I can’t afford to be this pissed off at myself. I’m not the most self-assured person to begin with, so I really don’t need to seek opportunities to feel like a complete loser.

So I will get it all over with at once. I will quit the flute and feel like a complete loser for being a quitter. But, at least I will get it over with. I won’t have to keep punishing myself for not practicing and torturing myself by practicing. This is like a new-found freedom. I don’t have to suck any more!

You know it’s not that bad (my quitting, I mean (I didn’t mean my flute playing, that definitely is THAT bad!)). See the thing is, I know that I am not a talented artist (drawing, painting, etc) and so I would never consider taking art lessons – it would be a waste of time and I know I would always feel inadequate about it. The thing is, I just never knew that about myself musically. But maybe that makes sense – isn’t there some psycho-analytical bullshit about the left brain and the right brain? One of them is artsy and the other isn’t – well, I think that artsy section of my brain is completely brain-dead. Why fight it?!

Besides, I had taken on way too much in the last year. And I’m glad I did, I’ve enjoyed trying some new things, even the flute – really! But not everything is a good fit and you can’t do EVERYTHING there is to do. But there is no harm in trying. So, I will enjoy getting back to my book clubs which I have been remiss in keeping up with (and which I have been missing), I will continue to pursue my dark room endeavors, spring is here and I am thrilled to be wrist deep in dirt, and I will enjoy spending leisure time with my friends.

Who needs the friggin’ flute anyway?!