10-8-ious

An Awkward Pause

2009-08-22T23:35:00.002-04:00

I tried to title this something very positive (like: “The Pause That Refreshes” or something cliché like that) but struggling to find the right words I realized that I struggle with pausing. Here I am on the eve of a two-week get-away vacation and I’m feeling sort of at odds. Part of it is that I am just ready to GO, but my partner has a commitment tomorrow morning, so we can’t leave until tomorrow afternoon (who starts vacation on Sunday afternoon?). And part of it is just feeling very in between – I have a break between semesters now – a few weeks with no commitments. That’s part of the problem; I don’t really know how to function with no commitments/deadlines. If we were not going away I would create a healthy to-do list and click them off one by one, but I can’t really rally enthusiasm to dive into something knowing I am going to be away for the next 2 weeks; so here I sit, to-do-less. It’s just not my mode of operation.

I’m sure I’ll be fine once we get on the road. Then there will be a schedule more or less – a route to take – places to go, people to see – a plan – at least the road under my wheels to give me a sense of momentum and progress. There was that whole list of to-dos to get ready to go and the list of items to pack – oil change, camping equipment, road food, all the right clothing for every occasion and climate, the right amount of shampoo, only the necessary footwear – but I got all that done too early it appears. So here I sit, to-do-less.

I tried to get serious about taking some reading material – professional/design periodicals or books? Political/social commentary? start a new fiction (ha – if we had any in our house) – oh screw it – it’s not like I am going to sit idly and read on this vacation anyway – but my partner will, and he will bring something interesting to read, I’m sure.

So, on the eve of this fabulous get-away, here I sit, to-do-less. Good thing the Fall semester starts as soon as I get back. Watch for my next entry to be a rant on having too many things to do!

We Are a Better Nation

2008-11-05T09:09:00.002-05:00

We are a better nation for having elected Barak Obama. Even if he is unable to achieve any of the change that he proposes, we are a better people for having hope in a better future – believing that democracy can work; believing that we need to “do good” in the world; and believing that it is time to put our difference behind us and work together to heal this nation.

This time, there can be no argument that this was not the true majority of the American people. This was democracy at work as our forefathers intended it to be. Perhaps never, has a presidential candidate succeeded in engaging such a broad populous in the election process. People in our country have been jaded and cynical for years – either because they didn’t believe that their vote really mattered, or they didn’t think it made much difference which politician won. But this year was different. This year people took the time and went to the trouble to cast their vote; daring to believe that this time it would make a difference. For years to come, people will remember that when they unite, their voice is loud and it takes each and every one of those voices to create the roar. “. . . of the people, by the people, for the people” – today we can trust in that again.

This time the entire world rejoiced with us -- for us -- and for themselves. The American people have elected a leader who is deeply concerned with our country’s impact on other nations – someone who understands the difference between our rights and our responsibilities in foreign lands; and someone who values human rights across all boundaries.

This time we close the book on what has come to be known as the ugliest chapter in our nations history. We move on, passed the hatred and the prejudice. We learn to heal; we learn to trust; we begin to work on unifying instead of dividing.

This time there’s no sugar coating: The road will be long and it will be hard, it will require work and sacrifice from all of us. Our forefathers didn’t start this nation because they wanted “the easy life” – what they fought and died for was fairness and justice for all people – today we open a new chapter in history. Let no one stand in the way of our collective potential greatness.

YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!

Letter to the Editor - Kraftbrau

2008-07-24T21:33:00.004-04:00

This letter is in response to the July 24th article regarding the anticipated new location and re-opening of Kraftbrau Brewery. I am pleased for Kraftbrau that they have found a place to reopen and I wish them success. My concern is with the location that they had previously hoped would house their re-opening (1126 E Michigan Ave.). This has been an abandoned building for some time and as a resident of the Eastside, I was pleased that Kraftbrau was going to re-open there. Maybe more energetic, young business would follow?! I was even more excited when I saw renovation being done on the building. Like most major renovations, it started with demolition. Before Kraftbrau set their sites on a different location, workers partially removed a relatively attractive façade which had covered a rather unattractive substructure. Additionally, there are now windows missing from the upper level. The building looks considerably worse then it did before they started – so much for enticing other business to move into the area.

I don’t know who was calling the shots on the renovation, and I’m not writing this letter to assign blame to anyone, but rather to express my concern for the consequences of a project that got started (with good intentions) but never came to fruition.

It’s nice for Andre Ellison of Kraftbrau that he is “really freakin’ excited” (as quoted in your article) about his new location for re-opening, but I hope everyone involved will put some serious forethought into what they are getting into before they start any demolition on their new location of choice. Property values in Kalamazoo are declining fast enough without the added blight of abandoned demolition projects.

Re-discovering My Path

2008-06-24T22:48:00.004-04:00

Once upon a time, many years ago, shortly after graduating (more like escaping) high school, I took a couple of photography classes at the local community college – I can’t remember why – guess I just wanted too. That was a great thing for me at the time – I loved the photog classes and it got me geeked about going to school (which I had NEVER been in high school). I decided to matriculate toward a degree in Graphic Arts – not really sure where that would land me, but there would be time to figure that out – I had my whole life in front of me. That was in 1982. Now, here I am in 2008 (quick math: 26 years later), once again starting out on a path in Graphic Arts.

So what happened to me over the past 26 years? Well, first of all, I was not a full time student – I was working secretarial/administrative jobs back then while going to school nights, and I very quickly realized that the companies I worked for along the way would pay for my education IF I would take business (or other job-related) classes. So I took a bunch of really boring business, accounting, computer programming, and business law classes over the next ten or so years. (I also took some time off from life to pursue whimsical, strange, and less-then-wise adventures – won’t go into that here.) The point is, like so much of my life, I followed the path that others laid out for me, without questioning much whether it was what I WANTED to do. It was what others wanted for me (of me). So I went that way.

Don’t get me wrong – no sour grapes – it’s not anyone else’s fault/responsibility that I made the choices that I did. And in retrospect, I did very well for myself – I have gained valuable business experience as well as the respect of many professionals I have worked with and was able to progress along the proverbial ladder. (And also gained some interesting life experience if you count that whimsical, strange, less-then-wise period of my life). But the point is, here I am, 26 years latter, a middle-aged woman, looking at my life and saying “now it’s MY turn.” I have a wonderful partner in life who is completely supportive; I am in a place in life where I am no longer in a “survival” mode, and can make choices that feel more authentic to me.

I consulted a few more-than-middle-aged women friends, to see if they thought I was crazy – after all, by the time I’m done with this course of study I’ll be nearly 50 and competing with a bunch of fresh twenty-somethings! (Is this just a crazy mid-life crises?!) But the feedback I got was very supportive – basically addressing the fact that lots of people (especially woman) at my age take a look at their lives and figure that they’ve done what they “needed to” for one reason or another all their lives, and now they are ready to do what they WANT to do. That pretty well sums it up for me. I have no regrets, really. I made my own choices and took responsibility for them. But now it’s time to make new choices for myself.

So, here I go, signing up for Graphic Design (and Web Design) classes at the local community college and full of wonder about the road in front of me. It’s sorta like being a kid again!

"YES, WE CAN"

2008-05-17T21:59:00.006-04:00

You know, I never would have expected me to be capable of this much optimism at this point. I have become very jaded and cynical about American politics and the “machine” that runs our country. I had reached a point where I was sure there was no possibility that anyone who was entrenched in the political process to the degree that they could seriously run for President could have enough integrity or compassion for the real people – the little people – the yous and mees of the country, to make a difference and really turn things around. But just when my light of hope was nearly extinguished . . . along came Barack Obama.

I liked the guy right out of the gate – although I hadn’t really educated myself on him yet, so I was reserving my full support. I liked him, but I liked Edwards too (I liked Edwards 4 years ago and wondered if the ticket had been Edwards/Kerry instead of Kerry/Edwards if the Dems would have stood a better chance.) But then Edwards dropped out and it was Barack and Hilary left standing. (Okay, right here I should say – I am an Independent – I am WAY to much of a control freak to sign on to a “party” to decide for me – so I am an independent who hangs out on the left end of the spectrum. Although I have to say, if Kerry had not been running against Bush (the Axis of Evil) it might have been hard for me to vote for him!) Back to Obama . . . so that left Hillary and Barack. You know I really liked Bill Clinton (I couldn't care less where he was getting his blow jobs) and I don’t have anything against Hillary (exactly) but in comparison, Hillary does not inspire me. I feel like Hillary wants to be (the first woman) President and if she fixes things along the way, she’d be happy about that too. Where as, I feel like Barack really wants to make our country (and the world) a better place, and he has determined that by being President he could make a difference (and sure, as a bonus, be the first African-American President).

Okay, so yeah – I am on board for all the catch phrases – “Change we can believe in” . . . “Yes We Can” . . . “I’m fired up” . . . “Hope” . . . “Change” . . . Tell me what’s wrong with any one of those? What’s to argue with?! This is the first politician at this level that I can point to and say “he’s walkin’ the walk.” I am so "fired up" about this guy that it is the first campaign I have ever joined and financially supported. At this point the Primary is coming to an end, the Democratic Party is uniting; Hillary is being provided a respectful exit path; and Obama is already setting his sites on McCain. And I would think he is breathing a sigh of relief! (I certainly am!) McCain will be a walk in the proverbial park compared to Edwards and Hillary!

If I had to sum up in one sentence why I like Obama, (if you know me, you know it’s really hard for me to say anything in ONE sentence!) I think this is it: “Barack Obama is not afraid to speak truth to power” When it comes to any issue, no matter how unpopular his point might seem, he’s not afraid to look them in the eye and say it. He went to the “Detroit Three” and told them that they were going to have to make cars that burn only a certain amount of fuel. Do you think he said this to win their vote? NO, of course not -but it's reality -- even the US is going to have to make some change to adjust to the reality.

I have LOTS more to say about Obama, but let me close with this one vision I have: The reality is, poor black kids have very little expectation that anything good is going to come for them. Their self esteem is so low that in many schools they are ridiculed and called “whitey” by their peers for trying to achieve good grades. What a difference it would make for them, and for our culture, if an African-American were President of the United States. I expect that this would set a precedent so that every kid . . . Black, Asian, Hispanic, woman, gay, lesbian, whatever . . . could say, "I could be President of the United States” and have everyone believe that it’s true!

Yes, he is facing horrendous obstacles – who in their right mind would want to inherit the current situation.?! It is going to be difficult (at best) for anyone to succeed under the these adversities; but Barack Obama instills hope in me – even if he can’t succeed in all he hopes to achieve, I still want to back this horse! I want to vote for HOPE. Consider the alternatives!

YES, WE CAN!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHEO_fG3mm4

Why Must Hormones Rage?!

2008-05-06T22:02:00.002-04:00

Okay, I’m not going to do the whole “it’s not fair” thing, because in the end – even with the hot flashes, mood swings, and cramps, I’m still glad I’m a woman. But why do the hormones that make it fun to be a woman have to turn me into a psycho bitch every month? I’m guessing that by now there is some biological explanation of how these hormones function and why a by-product of their function happens to turn me into Ms. Hyde once a month!

It didn’t used to be so bad – it used to just make me a fragile little waif for a couple days – Once a month I’d go through the whole “nobody loves me” thing; I’d rehash every childhood trauma; every bad relationship – I’d spend a few weepy days to myself, but all in all it didn’t effect the way I related to others. I remember I used to say “man, why can’t I be a bitch on PMS like everybody else!” I was/am the type who is always trying to please everyone else, and the idea of being a raving bitch for a few days seemed exotically appealing to me.

Then I went off the pill . . . That’s when my “periodic” personality disorder (PPD) started. No kidding – it’s like some demon takes possession of me for a couple days. I am a serious control freak – I don’t need to control others, but I will not tolerate someone else controlling me – so you can imagine how it makes me feel every month when I lose control of myself to this weird force within! I recently saw a documentary regarding various types of mental illness and I sat there thinking to myself “I can totally relate to these people!” Thankfully I don’t have to deal with it every day of my life, but that’s not much comfort while it’s happening.

Every month I tell myself that I am bigger than my hormones – I know when it’s happening, I can CHOOSE not to let this beat me. But every month I lose the battle. See PPD works in devious ways – when it takes over, the first thing it does is implant this paranoia where everything anyone says to me is immediately interpreted to be an obvious challenge or a hidden criticism. (ie” my partner says “honey, I’d be happy to help you weed that garden if you like” and I immediately snap at him, because OF COURSE what he was really thinking was “you can’t weed for shit, and if I don’t help you, you will do it wrong, wrong, WRONG!”) And because in my mind there is no other way to interpret it, my response is something very biting and defiant. And then on top of it, I have not lost the fragileness of yesteryear – so then the person walks away and I cry because I don’t understand why “everyone thinks I’m such a loser and failure at everything.” Do you see what a frigin’ nightmare this is?!

And unfortunately, I take this out the worst on the person I love the most -- my partner. I’m not sure why, but it’s really sad, because of all the people I should be the most kind to, it’s him – but I’m not. Actually, he has helped me to make inroads on conquering my PPD. He has encouraged me to let him know when I feel it coming on, so that he will be more conscious to treat me gently and understand that it’s not really me talking when I say something mean, it’s the demon that temporarily possesses me. And he is extra careful to be kind and gentle and loving toward me so that I’m less likely to feel like he doesn’t love me, or that he thinks I’m a complete loser.

Then it goes away, and there I am, every month, apologizing to my partner for being a raving bitch, but feeling really bad, because you lose your sincerity when you have to apologize for the same thing over and over again. An apology is not a license to go do it again. My hormones are a reason for my unpleasant behavior, not an excuse. I give myself this lecture every month, and then I vow that next month I am NOT going to let this thing get me – after all I am bigger than my hormones! (aren't I?)

The Grocery Bill is Just a Warning Sign

2008-04-24T20:46:00.001-04:00

We went to the grocery store tonight and spent $140 -- and we didn't purchase any meat! I didn't even consider this a "big order" it was just sort of stocking up on a few things and filling in. Yowsa! - That’s a lot of money for toiletries, a few canned goods and some produce. We gave up deli meat a month ago because the price of turkey at the deli counter is outrageous. (Oreo (our cat) loves that we have switched to tuna!)

The recent increase in the cost of food and gasoline – two major necessities in our culture are putting some people over the edge. I am thankful that I can’t really imagine what this means to people already living in poverty. I have made the faux sacrifice of cutting out fresh deli meats from my grocery order – what are others cutting? -- milk? fruit? proteins? medicines? What does a family do when they fill their gas tank (so they can get to work), pay for daycare (again so they can go to work), and buy a few groceries, and then the rent is due or the utility bill comes and the well is dry? What are their choices? -- live on credit? miss a rent/house payment? skip the utility bills? How do you set priorities when you can’t even cover the basics?

This is just the beginning. For the population that is already experiencing poverty, even minor increases in cost of necessities will drive them to extremes -- people will suffer from malnutrition, people will die of exposure, people will turn to crime out of desperation to survive and provide for their families. As for the sliding middle class who are losing their jobs and losing their homes, it will lead to depression, mental and physical illness, and domestic violence. So what? -- the middle class sinks in to poverty and the poor go extinct? Is that the society our “great nation” has built?

That’s a bleak and admittedly dramatic prediction, but some part of that is very certain to become reality. We need to look at the big picture and recognize what is really happening. People are starting to get scared, and they are looking at their own situations and how all of this will affect them. But what is desperately needed is for people to look at themselves as part of the whole -- no ONE will be saved from this mess – we are all in it together. We have to take care of ourselves, but we also have to take care of each other. Forget about all the details that might divide us – we are all part of the same society, and if one of us is suffering, we are all suffering, and we are all to blame.

The Bennies of a Simple Life

2008-04-02T20:42:00.003-04:00

The nation, and in particular, the state I live in, is in the worst economic condition of my lifetime. I work in an industry that is closely tied to the currently-crises-stricken real estate and lending markets. So it probably seems like a bad time to voluntarily take a 20% cut in pay and tell my boss they can get along fine without me one day a week. But that’s what I did.

The thing is, I want more from my life than a paycheck, and with a full time job, I don’t have the time or energy to do other, more meaningful things with the time left over. It’s one of the great advantages to the “voluntary simplicity” life style – we don’t have a lot of stuff, and we live in an old house that we are renovating slowly, but we don’t have a mortgage, and other than my car payment we have no debt. So I’m in a position where I can look at my life and decide that having time to do things that are meaningful to me is worth a 20% pay cut.

So now for the hard part – how will I put this new-found wealth of time to good use?! I am already resolved to getting involved with my local Neighborhood Association and I am looking at joining a City board – these will be good ways to become more engaged in my local community, but they don’t fulfill that need to get involved in a way that makes a difference. I seem to have a special soft spot for the homeless and poverty-stricken – there are a couple of local organizations who work with that population to help improve their situations, or better, help teach them the skills to help themselves. I’m not sure where I’ll land with that, and it will likely be a process of investigating various opportunities. I can’t wait to dive in!

(Thank you, Emmot, for giving me the courage and support to walk the walk.)

A Postcard-Perfect Love

2008-03-18T19:04:00.001-04:00

When I was a child I collected postcards. I had shoeboxes full of them – some had been sent to me and some had been passed on to me from other people. I didn’t travel much as a child – not that I was deprived or anything, but my family just didn’t do elaborate family vacations. So my postcards in a way were fantasies – I new that all these beautiful places existed, because people had been there and written on the backs of them. I new they were real, but it wasn’t MY reality and I had no expectation that I might ever be in a place on a postcard.

Of course, as I got older I moved around some and traveled a bit, even to places with postcards. I lived in the Seattle area with my sister for a while, and one weekend we headed out to the Olympic Peninsula for some hiking and camping. We did this one hike that traversed through a dense, dark forest and ended on an incredible, pristine beach with these huge rock formations that had been carved out by the tide into big arch formations. It was a perfect day – the sun was bright, the beach was deserted, and the place was literally breath taking. A feeling of euphoria ran through me that I had never experienced before – I turned to my sister and said “I’m in a postcard!” It felt as though I had stepped out of my reality and into some other fantasy dimension. I knew that places like this existed, but I never had any expectation that I would be in a place like that.

Pretty early on in our relationship, I remember a particular spring morning that Emmot and I were lounging around the house enjoying each other. In a peaceful moment I had that same feeling of euphoria wash over me. I realized that I was in a truly amazing relationship with the most perfect man for me. It felt like something out of a storybook. I always knew that some people had very special, deep relationships, but I never had an expectation that I would be in a relationship like that.

I often tell Emmot that he is the man of my dreams, but I have to stop and correct myself, because it’s not true – I never dreamt of anyone as wonderful as he is; I never imagined being in a relationship as strong, honest, and respectful as ours is. I am thankful EVERY day for the gift of our love.

I love you. You are my best friend.

Taking Inventory of Myself this New Years

2007-12-27T20:00:00.000-05:00

‘Tis the season to evaluate my position in this world. What have I accomplished? What do I want to accomplish? How do I line up against my own expectations? Well the last one is easy – I never meet my own expectations, but in some perverse way I think that’s a good thing – it’s what keeps me driven to improve myself.

2007 in Review
I sold my house, moved in with the man of my dreams and am building what feels like the perfect nest with him. This pretty much overshadows everything else – my love and life with Emmot is more than I ever hoped for.

After a fair amount of inner-turmoil, I made some career decisions and changes that seem to be a good move. It’s still early, but I feel fairly confident that I am bringing valuble skills to the position, and in turn, the position will provide me with plenty of challenges and growth potential.

I have significantly engaged in the business and inner-workings of my spiritual community. This has pluses and minuses – on one hand I feel more “connected” to the church, but on the other hand, it is, at times, difficult to separate from the business of the church to experience the pure spiritual aspect which brought me there in the first place. A balance I need to work on inside myself.

I feel like I am making some progress in getting plugged in to some community and social justice causes. There is still much work to be done here – there always will be – but I am making progress. I am focusing most importantly on “walking the walk” – I have a long way to go, but I feel like I am making progress in bringing home to my everyday life the changes I want to see in the world.

My Vision for 2008
My partner and I are planning a handfasting ceremony this spring (on the Vernal Equinox) to celebrate our love and commitment to each other. He is a constant source of inspiration for me. I love him and appreciate him everyday!

I strive to do more toward spiritual growth. Emmot and I are discussing hosting some Earth/Nature centered ceremonies, book discussion groups, etc. at our home to further bond with people of like-mind and to celebrate the aspects of our spirituality that are important to us.

I am not getting any younger and would like to make some life-style changes that will help my health as I continue to age. I need to lose some weight; I need to increase my cardio vascular capacity and overall fitness level. I need to stop telling myself that I’ll do this “tomorrow.”

I want to be a person I am proud of being every day.

Celebrating Winter Solstice!

2007-12-20T21:45:00.000-05:00

I love the Winter Solstice! It’s been sort of an odd revelation to me – anyone who knows me would think that my newly-developed appreciation for Winter Solstice had developed out of my growing connection to nature-focused spirituality. But actually it developed independent of my pagan studies. Of course I do enjoy the fact that while everyone else is running around the mall, I can sit back and meditate on the rotation of the Earth instead. And I guess in a way that lead me to it – over the past few years I have thought more about the Solstice (if only as a means to NOT think about Christmas). But all that cynicism aside – here is what I truly appreciate about the Winter Solstice - - -

Where I live I am able to enjoy all four seasons, and, although I try very hard to embrace them all, winter always feels longer than the rest. In reality it isn’t, but December to March just feels so long – cold – dark . . .

But then I realized what the Winter Solstice really means – it’s the return of the sun!! It may be the first official day of Winter, but every day from the Winter Solstice to the Summer Solstice contains a little more sunlight than the day before! So even though December is only the beginning of the winter season, Winter Solstice brings longer days (which means spring and summer are on their way!) I know those extra minutes of sunlight each day do not equate to warmth – but psychologically, knowing that every day is a little longer, really does help me to look at the rest of winter in a different light (pardon the pun). January and February might be bitter cold, but the sun is out longer every day and in the end, the sun WILL conquer the cold!

So come Winter Solstice – brighten our days and warm our hearts!

Making Dreams Come True

2007-11-11T20:52:00.000-05:00

My partner has dreamed for years of putting together “circle singing” – and tonight he is realizing his dream. I am not involved (as I have no musical ability) but I am upstairs listen to some of the most beautiful music I’ve ever heard – textless vocals blending, melding, folding together in beautiful harmony and passion. It is absolutely spiritual!

He was unsure of putting this together – nervous that he wouldn’t be able to convey what it was about – but they definitely “get it.” He has the perfect disposition to get it started, give it an outline and let everyone take their own creative avenue and give it a life of its own. That’s the whole concept of this music – it’s of the moment –you don’t rehearse it to “get it right” – you live it in the moment like the rest of life – there is no rehearsal – experience it in the NOW.

I am so proud of him and admire him so much for daring to make his dream a reality. Imagine the world if we could all be that brave!

Coming of Age in My Mid 40s

2007-11-08T21:18:00.000-05:00

My partner and I are hosting Thanksgiving dinner this year. I am already brimming with excitement. My mom will come in the day before to help with the cooking – this is not cheating – this is tradition – I grew up in an extended-family household where three generations of women prepared for days before the feast – since I have no children and Grama is long gone, we’ll have to settle for two generations. My mom is a fabulous cook, she loves to do it and she has passed down to me her sense of entertaining style and grace – garnish the platters with parsley (knowing no one will eat it), always use cloth linens, each piece of silverware has a very specific place, use candles on the table, have a festive centerpiece, and make sure there's plenty of libations to go around.

This should be a total hoot! First of all, our house is under major renovation. There are only a couple of finished rooms in the house, but hey, as long as the bathroom is one of them we are good-to-go, right? The kitchen is fully functional, and actually has all new appliances, but it is very rough like the rest of the downstairs – the drywall is up, but not mudded much less painted, no trim, the floors are exposed sub-flooring, and we have stacks of lumber and other building materials about the place. We’ll clear out the large living room and set up a big long table made of saw horses and plywood, cover it with a white linen cloth (with a silencer underneath, of course) and call it good. The atmosphere will be sort of a “Tim the Tool Man meets Martha Stewart.” But I’m sure no one will mind – it’s not about what the house looks like or how the table is set – it’s about good company, good food, and lively conversation.

Which leads me to the next interesting element – the guest list is an eclectic combination of some of my family, some of Emmot’s family, and some of his hippy friends from the old days. We are definitely running the gamut of the political scale, with a few strong anchors on each end. Should make for some lively conversation!

Mostly I am looking forward to doing some traditional entertaining in our home – although it feels awkwardly “grown up” to me. I may be 45, but I will always be the baby in the family, and having no children, I’m not viewed as a “household.” I’ve never really taken myself very seriously as a domestic figure. When you grow up the “baby” in a house full of women, eventually you learn to just smile and say “sure, thanks.” But I have finally settled into an adult relationship with a great partner and we have a wonderful home – it’s time to step up to the stove and take my place as an adult.

I can already smell the delicious aromas of the feast drifting through the house, hear the warm laughter floating above the soft music, and feel the glow of good times warming my soul. It is already a Thanksgiving to remember!

Landing On My Feet

2007-11-03T02:07:00.000-04:00

My sister has been known to say about me “Don’t worry about her; she always lands on her feet.” Of course, I like to take a little more credit for my path in life and say that I make good decisions. As with most things in life, I’m sure it’s a combination – a little good luck, a little skill, and a “10-8-ious” attitude.

So here I am – back on my feet – you could say “resurrected” after the autopsy (see July posting “Autopsy of an Idealism”). I know its cliché, but it is also true – one door closes in life so a new one can open. It never feels that way when the door is closing – one seldom can see the next door opening, and it takes more faith then I have to believe that it’s there sometimes. But there is always a way out; sometimes the door is opened for you, and sometimes you have to put your head down and charge the darkness until you “see the light” (so to speak). This time, just as I was toughening my skin for the painful charge, a door was opened - - and here I am, standing in the sunshine again.

Reaching my wits end over my previously-ideal job changing in to something less heroic and rightous then I had built it up to be, I decided to stop being miserable. After agonizing over what could have been, or used to be, I decided I was going to leave the company – I had to get out of the downward spiral I was in. I was willing to make decisions that would be less than flattering on my resume (not to mention my bank account). I’d do whatever it took.

Then one day one of the managers from my company called to chat about some projects we had been working on – she caught me at a bad moment – or as it turns out, a good moment. I was a basket case – I was crying and I was swearing and I completely dumped on her. Ended up telling her “FUCK IT – I’m leaving this company no matter what – I don’t care if I have to flip burgers.” Good thing for me, she has broad shoulders, and she already knew I was pretty unhappy so this did not come as a complete shock to her. She asked me to meet with her and we set up an appointment for later that week.

As it turned out she had an opening for a branch manager at an office about 20 minutes from my house. I’ll spare you the whole soul-searching portion of this story and cut to the chase - - In the end I realized that what I really wanted was to be away from the administrative side of business and back in a position where I could serve the customer – direct operations. I was a little leery because I had tried a branch manager position years ago, and wasn’t sure it was a good fit for me. But that was 5 years ago and in the mean time I had learned a lot and grown a lot – both personally and professionally. I felt I was up to the challenge. And from a personal perspective, this was an opportunity to stay with the company that had done right by me for so many years in the past – an opportunity to heal the wounds that I had suffered as well as the ones I had caused. It was the door leading from the dark into the light.

So far, so good – it’s only been a month or so, and I am still transitioning back into the branch environment, but once again, I LOVE my job – I have some great ideas for improving my branch and growing business, and I am very eager to dive in and do it.

So I guess its true what my sister says about me – I always land on my feet –and in this case, have hit the ground running!

Reality Check: Untimely Death

2007-09-27T21:18:00.000-04:00

What the fuck?

That’s about all that can be said when someone you know and care about dies an unexpected and untimely death. It wasn’t old age. It wasn’t a known (or even hidden) disease. It wasn’t a blind-sided car accident out of no where. A sudden and unexpected heart attack. Too young and too healthy for anyone to see it coming . . . didn’t smoke, healthy diet, active and vibrant life . . . . . . . . . . what the fuck? It’s not supposed to happen that way.

Vibrant and healthy one minute and dead the next. . . . What the fuck?

And we want to gather all the facts – what was he doing when it happened? Did he have any health conditions we didn’t know about? Had he been ill? Did they try to revive him? – as though by knowing the details we might make sense of it all. That’s the thing about us humans – we are always trying to make every thing make sense. It will all be okay if we can package it just right and put the right bow on it.

For me, it’s not so much about the person who passes. For them it’s done – they have moved on – and who could ask for a better way to go? I can only hope that when I go it’s that quick and unexpected. No suffering. No time for all that self-mourning, and dealing with others pre-mourning you before you go. You just check out. Easy for the passing; but so much harder for everyone else – the loved ones who are thrown into instant shock and trauma; the more distant friends and acquaintances who struggle to make sense of it and inevitably look inward and wonder if they are next. . . . The next to go, or worse – the next to be left behind.

“When I die, I hope the beer is cold and the band plays loud”

It's one of my favorit lines from a song -- I don’t know who wrote it, but I learned it from Buggs – here’s to a cold beer and good loud one for you Buggs!

An Autopsy of Idealism

2007-07-12T01:46:00.000-04:00

My little world will not be the same after today. There are probably many days that are land marks in our lives that we don’t realize as they happen. This one I am taking note of. It’s not the end of the world, and given what's going on in the world lately, it’s not really all that significant. But it feels like it to me tonight - - -

First off, let me put this in perspective: many people in this state (and in my company) have lost their jobs due to a poor economy and some real fucked-up corporate decisions, and (so far) I have not lost mine. I’m not whining, there are way-worse-off folks than me. This isn’t an “oh poor me” it’s more of an autopsy of an idealism I was holding on to.

I went to work for a medium-sized, privately owned, regional company 7 years ago. I liked the company very much – we were not in business to save the world or provide any great service to social justice or anything like that, but as companies go, we “did no harm” – we were a good little company – dedicated to customer service and our team members were practically like (distant) family. But, as we got more and more successful and started growing to new markets and servicing those markets to our best ability - - sure enough - - you guessed it - - we were bought by a huge (inter)national corporation. At first, Big Momma Corporation said “oh, you guys there at Little-Ole Company are doing such a great job we are not going to change you one bit.” - - - (did I mention the long snout and the sharp teeth protruding from Granny’s bonnet?) That was three or so years ago when the economy was still somewhat stable.

So my Little-Ole Company went merrily along - - - continuing to do what we did best - - - providing great service to our customers. Well, as it turned out, soon after our “acquisition” I was offered this fabulous position as a “Business Analyst” – holey shit – “Business Analyst” – we never had THOSE before! It was a great opportunity for me and best of all, my new manager was the greatest of all managers! WOW – I was on top of the world! My job was to find out what our team members needed to get their work done and recommend processes and new technologies to solve their problems AND now being part of Big Momma’s “family” we had all this really cool technology to offer. What a really great job! I felt like Superman! [Okay so we are all noticing (including me) that I would not have had this opportunity if not for Big Momma Corp having purchased us – I DO recognize that, and up until this morning, I gave credit and appreciation for it regularly.]

But after a couple of years of great success, the winds started to change – rather suddenly --the economy took a terrible turn and with it our business dropped off. Our business is strongly tied to economic trends, so when the economy crashed, so did we – no fault of our own. Just as suddenly the “high” of my job receded; I was no longer “bringing new tools to the team members to provide great service”, now I was “implementing cost-reduction procedures to our users.”

You can see those snarly sharp teeth under Granny’s bonnet now, can’t you? Of course you can – and so could I – I had started to tell my partner how I no longer worked for a customer-oriented company who wanted to provide great service – all these bastards cared about was the bottom line. Did you hear that? – well, what’s really funny is that I said it, but I didn’t hear it – or some how I couldn’t apply it – I knew it to be true, but it wasn’t really effecting me directly so I could pretend that it wasn’t true (picture ostrich with head in sand). Oh and there were other signs – weird management decisions being made and changed and cloaked in darkness.

But today the veil was lifted, those sharp, sanrly teeth came out, and the charade is over. My department, which had been charged with finding the best solutions for providing the best service to our customers, is being dismantled. Well not quite yet – we are in the middle of a tornado that the Business Analysts are needed for to control, so until the tornado is over (maybe 4 months) we are to remain on course. But after that, our department will be dissolved and its members disbursed (theoretically) to other positions and departments depending on our individual talents/abilities.

The reason for this can be summed up in one sentence – Big Momma does not answer to customers, it answers to stockholders. (of course without customers there will be NO bottom line, but this is a classic case of not being able to see the trees for the greenbacks!) This cuts me to the bone – this “bottom line” mentality and focus goes against everything that I value and am working toward in my personal life. What do I do with that? During my earlier “denial stage” I kept telling myself that it was okay because I make decent money and I can take the money from my job and use it in the world to do good, and so it balanced out. But today, it’s not feeling so balanced. How can I go to work for 40 hours a week for a company that represents so much of what I detest about our current culture?! So, the questions I am asking myself tonight - - How big a whore am I? Living in the state with the worst unemployment and the worst economy of the country, do I have no choice but to suck it up and say “thank you Mother may I have another?” Is this going to wash over me and barely be a bleep on my life-scope? Is this one of those pivot points that will lead me to something better? Is it a test of my character?

The final autopsy results are not in.

Domestic Partnering

2007-06-13T00:22:00.000-04:00

Hear me out - In a nut shell, I say, forget “gay marriage” and every other form of marriage for that matter, because it carries with it too much baggage – too many legal defaults. Let there be two COMPLETELY separate entities: one being the formal ceremony and sanctity of people wishing to unite; and the other being whatever legal arrangements an individual may choose to set up between whomever they choose regarding their wealth, benefits, childcare or any other arrangement they feel must be made. Let me take these separately as the two are COMPLETELY separate entities.

The Heartfelt/Emotional Side:
Let people who care to, enter into a loving commitment. Let them formalize that commitment with a ceremony of their choice being a celebration of their love for one another, and let that commitment mean to them what is nearest and dearest to their hearts.

Obviously excluded from this is any involvement, rules or boundaries set by any government agency. Let’s face it, in reality, this is NOT the part of a “marriage” that the government really cares about (or has any control over) anyway!

The Legal Side
Of course, this is the complicated part! (all the more reason to keep it separate!) These arrangements should be set up for every individual regardless of, and completely separate from, their loving commitments (above) to another individual. There should be no assumptions or defaults that create an automatic bind to these arrangements – for many people these days, it’s not always their “spouse” that would be designated for the following:
1) who can make “life and death” decisions in case of their incapacitation
2) who has legal rights to their wealth/property/possessions (or lack there of) upon their death
3) who has guardianship over children
4) who health benefits are extended to

Today’s reality clearly outlines that our culture’s tradition of “wedding,” (which is sold as a ceremony on the heart) has many more legal ramifications then it does emotional. Let’s face it, in the end, we love who we love regardless of legal “obligations”. The legal “defaults” that come with marriage have become, to say the least, somewhat outdated. This is evidenced by the now-popular prenuptial agreements, where obviously the people committing their hearts do not want to commit their dollars! But no one raised much of an eyebrow over that – among the wealthy, that was completely understood and acceptable.

But now we have these “other entities” – same-sex marriages who want the same legal defaults, and heterosexual couples who may want to commit emotionally, but set up independent legal/financial arrangemetnts. What are we to do with “THEM?” How can we take our age-old, picture-perfect rules and apply to everyone? YOU CAN’T! Get over it! Our culture is not what it used to be! We are evolving, like everything else – we are coming out of the dark ages –let it happen – it’s a good thing!

Bottom line, here’s what needs to happen:
1) Allow people to engage in a ceremony to formalize their loving commitment to each other with no boundaries set by government.
2) Provide simple and affordable legal documents to be filed by any individual to establish their heirs, beneficiaries, medical power of attorney, guardianship, etc.
3) Until such time as a more universal health care is available, allow all contributing primaries to extend health care coverage to whomever as long as they are willing to pay the additional premium (what does the insurance company care what their “relationship” is?)

Why does this seem so simple to me and yet so debatable by others?

Making it Real

2007-06-09T10:13:00.000-04:00

So I’ve been on a mission lately to find my mission. Sounds funny, hah? I’m frustrated with the world – well, not the whole world – but a big part of the world I live in. I hate who “we” have become. Not each of us individually, of course, because there are a lot of good people, and I hope that I am one of them. But as a people in general, we are doing so much harm – to the planet, to each other, to ourselves – and we seem to be in this horrible downward spiral. It makes my head hurt. It makes me sad. It makes me angry. And it makes me want to DO something about it. But what?

So there I am – on a mission to find a mission. It’s hard to pick ONE good cause, because when I look at any one of them alone, they are all SO important – the environment, peace, social justice, poverty reduction, health care . . . How do you pick ONE?! And even if you could, then what? I’ve been sort of on a bad run of trying to get involved and finding out the organization is not really a good fit, or I’m not able to make a “meaningful” contribution. So here I am, still wanting to DO something.

And then I listened more closely to what my partner has been saying for a long time, which is basically: “walk the walk” – anybody can talk, and although it feels good to rally with a bunch of people, in the end, what does the talking and the rallying really accomplish? – sure, public awareness, maybe some political action. But there is nothing more powerful than living it. He’s been talking about this since I’ve known him, and although I was listening, I just didn’t “get it” – it didn’t seem grand enough – after all, how can little-old-me save the world by what I do?

But that’s the thing – you live the example, you walk the walk and show people that it can be done. And then someone else does it, and then someone else, and before you know it, lots of people are not just talkin’ the talk, they are walkin’ the walk. And it does make a difference. What if everyone started living the world they want to see? Imagine it!

Here is a tiny example of what I am trying to do: I can get through life without styrofoam. It means I have to go out of my way to buy eggs; it means I have to keep a clean travel mug in my car or else don’t stop for that to-go coffee. And you know what – some of that is inconvenient for me. After all, damn it, I’m an American! I am entitled to buy all my groceries in one convenient corporate-money-making-supper-store. And don’t even think of depriving me of premium coffee whenever and wherever I want it, and at a moments notice! See there it is! There is that obnoxious person that makes my head hurt. So – I make a decision not to be that person. And today it might take some effort, but tomorrow it might come naturally, and the day after that I’m going to add another personal rule to my walk. And pretty soon, I’m going to be DOING it! Which is exactly what I wanted: to DO something. And there are bonuses along the way – by going to a local co-op for my eggs I run into other people who are doing it and who are often cool and friendly people. When was the last time a stranger in your large grocery was outwardly friendly to you? – happens everytime I go to the co-op or farmers market.

Obviously, this is a small example – but there’s a lot of that I can do. And I can get involved in my own community – I can volunteer locally – help one kid learn to read, help one homeless person find housing, start a community garden, visit a complete stranger in a nursing home . . . There is no end to the good I could do on a small scale that would do just as much good as some big national organization trying to save the world – when you get right down to it, the world that needs saving is made up of all us individuals.

(see attached comment for additional note/disclaimer)

If Thomas Jefferson Could See Us Now . .

2007-04-26T20:03:00.000-04:00

He’d be starting a revolution! He’d be drafting a new Constitution! He’d be throwing somethin’ in Boston Harbor! Where is Thomas Jefferson when we need him? How pissed off were Tom and the boys before they took action?!

I am not being unpatriotic. I love my country and all the principles it was built on. But I detest my government for tearing them apart. Tell me honestly – what is the last thing our government did that made you proud to be an American?

>>>Is it the war in Iraq that has no purpose, and therefore can never be “won” (but for which thousands of people will continue to die trying)?
>>>Is it our Attorney General who fires and replaces judges across the country that don’t align with his boss’s point of view?
>>>Is it the White House administration who has the audacity to tell the American people that they will discuss that issue as long as they don’t have to swear to tell the truth!?
>>>Is it the fact that our government refuses to commit to an international agreement to reduce the burning of fossil fuels to reduce green house gases and save our plant from ourselves?
>>>Is it the fact that while we spend millions upon billions of dollars to supposedly free the Iraqi people from suffering, we neglect the entire city of New Orleans here at home?
>>>Is it the arrogance of our President (with a lower then 30% approval rating) who sits on his thrown and dictates to Congress what they may and may not propose in a bill?

Go ahead, pick one? Or do you have more to add to this list, because I assure you this is a partial list. It might be bearable if at the same time I could point to even just a few things that I felt like our government is doing really right. But honestly, I can’t think of one.

Why is this allowed to happen? At what point did the American people get so removed from our government that they can get away with these atrocities and we just sit around listening to it on the news, shaking our heads. How did we allow ourselves to become so complacent?

Well, that’s just the thing -- we did let this happen. For generations we trusted our government to take care of us and we stopped watching the shop. We stopped paying attention, because it was easier to go play and have fun and leave the work of running our country to our elected officials. Meanwhile they took the power we handed them and ran with it. The power (and greed) went to their heads and they lost track of who they work for and what they were hired to do. And apparently so did we!

But we gave them that power; we can take that power back! But we have to be willing to take responsibility for it. Not just take action. Not just be outraged. We need to take back the power and then we need to manage the power. We need to be involved, and stay involved, in our government so that this can never happen again. We need to learn from our mistakes and make them known so that future generations don’t make the same mistakes.

If Thomas Jefferson were alive today he would undoubtedly be ashamed of our politicians; and perhaps more ashamed of us for letting it happen.

The World is Going to Hell in an Egg Carton

2007-04-10T19:21:00.000-04:00

High on the list of “things that make me nuts” is the packaging of mainstream eggs. I know that I am dating myself here, but I remember when most all eggs, brown or white, came in cardboard-like egg cartons. They were obviously a paper product; recyclable and no-doubt biodegradable. This was before our culture was concerned with, or even more then moderately aware of, the importance of recycling and the use of biodegradable packaging. But now that we are all keenly aware of the harm we humans are causing this beautiful planet we call home, it has become nearly impossible to buy eggs in anything other than a styrofoam or three-layer plastic container. Does anyone besides me find this completely ironic, not to mention arrogant and ignorant?! (Have you ever noticed how often arrogant and ignorant go together?!)

I enjoy eggs – great source of protein, lots of ways to prepare them and no one had to die for me to eat an egg. And years after all that bad press, now the FDA has come out to say that it turns out they don’t really have all that cholesterol they used to warn us about. (Makes you wonder if it’s true or if the corporate egg producers bought off some high official at the FDA?!) So I have been buying eggs for many years (even back when they were high in cholesterol); usually brown eggs – because I bought that advertising gimmick about how “brown eggs are local eggs, and local eggs are fresh” – not that it mattered, most of the dozen was going to sit in my fridge long enough to not be fresh by the time I ate them no matter what color they were! Then a few years ago I started noticing the label “cage free” – oh I liked that! Happy little free chickens running around a barn yard laying eggs – happy chickens must lay happy eggs! These were the eggs for me! And then for a short time I was conflicted about “cage free” eggs vs. “organic” eggs. Hmmm – well I like the idea of organic, but if it was a caged organic chicken then it was not necessarily a happy chicken, and then I felt like I had to choose between my organic preference vs. the quality of life the chickens had who laid the eggs – and for me, the chicken won. (For reasons I can’t explain, I have never seen an egg carton marked “organic AND cage-free.”) So it’s cage-free for me.

But a year or so ago I faced a more serious problem when searching the egg department of my grocery store – it had nothing to do with what color they were, or whether there were hormones involved, or how happy the chickens were. No, it was a much more serious problem – it was all about what the eggs were packaged in. Practically over night all of those cardboard egg cartons were replaced with styrofoam cartons – one of the most environmentally toxic packaging materials known to man. Even McDonalds had already stopped packaging their burgers in it because it is SO bad for the environment. A product that has been banned from use in several California cities because it is so evil! And there my happy chicken eggs were, all looking up at me from underneath this horrible layer of expanded polystyrene. There was one other option – there was one company (who happens to offer cage-free eggs) that packages in a carton that consists of THREE layers of molded plastic. Which is also bad, and a rediculous amount of packaging, but at least it was recyclable.

I am sure that those styrofoam and plastic egg cartons, save the big corporate egg producers big bucks in the long run - maybe they are 2 cents cheaper to buy or use; maybe they have 5% less breakage. But what about our planet?! Don’t they care that they are breaking our planet?! But they are not the only guilty party – don’t forget all the consumers who find the convenience of purchasing their eggs in the grocery store more valuble then the world they are leaving behind for their children. There are alternatives to buying big-time coproparate eggs – you can get fresh eggs from farmers markets, food co-ops, CSAs, and local farmers, if you are willing to go out of your way.

So, my point is, forget the old philosophical debate about the chicken and the egg – we need to work on the packaging!

The Year in Review

2006-12-26T23:24:00.000-05:00

I started 2006 with a resolution to be more fiscally responsible. I think I can congratulate myself on this one – sort of hard to say – it’s not like I have a bunch of money sitting in the bank to prove it, but I FEEL like I am more fiscally responsible and in a better place financially in general. And living in Michigan these days, that’s saying something! I was more comfortable (less stressed) in my finances, able to contribute more generously to charities and other good causes, bought a new car and don’t seem to lack for comfort in general. I will give myself some credit here by saying that I think I am a person who finds pleasure in the simple things that don’t come with a big price tag – gardening, reading, socializing with good friends, camping, hiking, etc.

Most significantly, this year I met “the man of my dreams” – not exactly true – I never dreamt of anyone this good. It reminds me of a line from a movie, where someone asks “what do you do when your life exceeds your dreams?” and the other person says (rather bitterly) “keep it to yourself.” Strangest thing – just when I was riding high on my wave of independence I crashed into love. I guess it’s true – just when you least expect it . . .

In the past year I have become very involved with my church (Unitarian Universalist) and have made great progress toward connecting with my Pagan beliefs. I feel as though I have grown significantly this year in a spiritual sense. This is an ongoing and life-long quest, but one that is definitely worth pursuing.

No significant changes in my job. It’s a good job and I should be very happy to have it. And I AM very happy to have it (that's what I meant to say!). It is not feeling as exciting and/or rewarding to me as it did at one time, hard to say if that is a change in me or a change in the job. But I am not complaining, and again, living in Michigan, I am very thankful and appreciative of having a job, much less one that adequately supports me and that I (for the most part) enjoy doing.

All in all, it was a very good year. Honestly, I have no complaints. My life is very good. I appreciate the good health, good fortune and good friends that I have. Sometimes I think I must be dreaming. I have actually considered that maybe I had a nervous breakdown years ago when things weren’t so good, and right now I am really laying in a hospital bed, a complete vegetable, and I am just imagining all this good stuff happening to me. If that is the case, PLEASE don’t wake me up!

Here’s to 2006, may the good times keep right on rollin’!

The Negotiator

2006-12-05T15:59:00.000-05:00

I recently decided to buy a Prius (Toyota’s Hybrid car). I have never owned a new car much less ordered one. I did okay making the decision and ordering it – I knew what I wanted and I knew roughly how it fit into my finances (never as nicely as I’d like!). These cars are quite popular now and they can’t keep them in stock, so you really can’t buy one off the show room floor, everyone (in my area) has to order it and wait for it to come in.

I got a call from my salesman last week – my car is on it’s way and will be here within a week so why don’t I come in and talk about the trade in on my Honda. NOW comes the trauma – negotiating a large financial purchase. I am TERRIBLE at this sort of thing – I always feel weak and defenseless – like they hold all the cards and I am at their mercy. I’m pathetic, really!

BUT NOT THIS TIME! -- I am so proud of myself!! I didn’t let that big bad car salesman give me an ounce of shit! I came prepared; I knew that he was using Kelly Blue Book’s web site and I came prepared with what the full trade-in value is ($7,300) and what their resale price might be on my car. He came in with some ridiculously low figure for the trade in on my Honda ($5,800) – it was insulting! (but not too surprising, right?). I reminded him that our transaction was about the sale of the Prius and not about the re-sale of my Honda, and that when it comes right down to it, who cares if they don’t make any money on re-selling my Honda, they are selling me a brand new Prius. “Look at it this way” I said, “if I walked in with cash, OR if I walked in with no money and was financing the entire Prius, there would be no trade-in and I would still get the Prius for the same price.”
He songed and danced around a little bit and said, “so what do you think we should do?”
I said, “I think you should call the next person on the list waiting for a Prius and I’d appreciate getting my deposit back” (HA! Take THAT mean old Mr. car salesman!)
He songed and danced some more and then came up with a new angle and said “MAYBE I can find a wholesaler who would be willing to take it for that price. Yesterday I got a woman an extra $1200 for her car that way. Let’s try that first.”
“Sounds like a good idea.”
Then he asked me, “if I could get $7,000, would that work for you?”
I said “well” (pause) “if you had offered $7,000 I wouldn’t have asked for my deposit back”
A little more small talk and I was out the door. He called me 3 times in the next hour – he got his own re-sale guy to come up, and then up again -- now he’s at $6,800
I said, “well, you’re going in the right direction, aren’t you?”
Then he songed and danced about how my car just isn’t worth the full trade in value because of bla bla bla.
Once again I reminded him that he really shouldn’t care how much they are going to make reselling my Honda, the transaction is about selling me the Prius.
He said he’d call me in a day or two.
(HA!)

Okay – I know he’s only $200 away from what I will accept (and $500 from my best hope) and over the life of the loan that will be squat in my payment – I may end up settling for it if he really sticks to it, or I might end up walking – not sure yet. But I am putting up a damn fine fight! He may have people waiting in line to buy Priuses, but every one he sells is more money in his pocket! My last argument to him, if he doesn’t come up, will be this: “I am going to buy a Prius soon, but if it’s not now, then it won’t be from this dealership. This dealership seems more focused on their re-sale market then on their new sales market”

(Either that or I’ll cave in and buy it at his offer)

Giving Thanks on Thanksgiving

2006-11-23T20:46:00.000-05:00

It’s not really my style – I don’t like the idea that we put one day aside to “give thanks” for all that we are appreciative of – it seems very insincere to me – if someone is truly thankful they should feel it and express it everyday, not on one designated date on the calendar. But, here I go, taking the bait – blogging about what I am thankful for - - -

I am thankful that I was born white and in the United States – luck of the draw – I could have been anything, anywhere, but I got lucky and was born into the most affluent country and the most privileged race. For this I am thankful – not because it makes me better, but because it has provided me with advantages I can only begin to understand.

I am thankful that I was not born with, and have not developed any, physical or mental disabilities. What a difference this makes in my life and the lives of everyone around me. Another lucky draw that I am truly thankful for.

I am thankful for growing up in a healthy family environment that gave me the love and support and the lessons I needed to grow into a person who can stand on her own two feet and not be afraid to live. Specifically, I am thankful to three women from three generations in my family - - -

>My grandmother, “Grama”, who’s unconditional and undying love is still with me everyday (long after she has passed)
>My mother, who taught me that you have to get back up again no matter how hard you are knocked down and that good grammar gets you a whole lot more in life than just a good grade in English class.
>My sister, Leslie, who has been my best friend all my life; sometimes a guardian angle; and forever a shining star I look up to.

I am thankful for the man I love and to have found in him a loving relationship that feels balanced and respectful with deep-seeking roots.

I am thankful for the meaningful friendships I have formed over my life – some past and some present -- all nurturing my heart and soul just the same.

And last, but not least – I am thankful to myself for persevering through the tough times; for seeking higher meaning in life; for not settling, for accepting the challenges; and for not giving up on me.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Defying Logic

2006-11-12T22:59:00.000-05:00

Riddle Me This Batman: How can one group of voters re-elect a struggling democratic Governor, protect the lives/rights of a common song bird and also abolish affirmative action?

It defies logic! Put personal opinions aside on the issues for a minute and just try to figure this one out? I can’t do it. It would be interesting to get some statistics on this – did anyone out there vote that way on their ballot or is this some sort of mathematical phenomenon? (Sorry, I’m not good at statistics) I’m pretty sure, that in order for these three things to pass that there had to be some Michigan voters who voted
1. For Granholm,
2. No on a hunting season for Mourning Doves, and
3. Yes to abolish Affirmative Action
Gee – which one of these doesn’t fit?

If you guessed # 3 you win the prize! But unfortunately the minorities in Michigan lose – big time. (okay, if you didn’t notice, now I got my personal opinions back out) I think what burns me about this campaign almost as much as the effect it will have, is the way it was cloaked like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, so to speak. The premise was that “equal is equal” and that Affirmative Action is a bad thing for minorities because it sets them apart and thereby sets them up to be discriminated against. However the actual people I spoke to who were voting to abolish Affirmative Action had much more the attitude that “they” (the minorities) shouldn’t get hand outs or special treatment and that Affirmative Action has swung so far as to cause an environment of reverse discrimination.

I don’t argue that Affirmative Action was a perfect system, it had flaws, I’m sure. But to completely do away with it is like taking three giant steps backward in social justice. Does anyone with a brain believe that our society has evolved to the point where prejudice no longer exists and that a minority has a fair and equal chance in our society compared to a white male? I wish we lived in that kind of world, but we are far from it, and now we will move even further from it. It is a sad commentary on our culture. We should be ashamed.

Moving to a lighter note – just for fun – do you want to hear what I have to say about hunting Mourning Doves??? (too bad, I’m gonna’ tell ya’ anyway!) Are there not enough species to hunt that you have to turn to your back yard bird feeder? PLEASE! Oh no, please don’t tell me how you love the taste of Mourning Doves – RIGHT! Oh, or better yet, the one about how they’re not endangered, so why not? My response to that is: “people aren’t endangered either, go for it!” A friend of mine (who will remain nameless) was telling me that her husband (a big hunter) voted to allow a Mourning Dove hunting season because he figured it was just the first step, and that next he would lose other hunting rights, I said, “I guess this is a matter of perspective – what makes him think he has that right to begin with?” Honestly, what gives man the right to kill anything he wants (I use the word “man” here as a species, not as a gender). Besides, no one was taking away an existing hunting season, there wasn’t a hunting season on Mourning Doves in Michigan to begin with. What’s next, Cardinals? Blue Jays? Chickadees? (Hey I hear they’re good eatin’ too, Maynard!)

Oh, and just in case you were wondering where I stand on re-electing Granholm: You go girl! :-)

Self-Inflicted Extinction – Not necessarily a bad thing . . .

2006-11-12T21:24:00.000-05:00

For quite some time now, I have had a theory about the origin of man that is somewhat unconventional to many people. And I now have a theory of the demise of man that goes hand-in-hand with it.

I recently traveled to DC and while there, visited the Museum of Natural History. The exhibit that stuck with me the most was the evolution exhibit. Sure the life-size, re-constructed dinosaur skeletons are grand, but the thing that interested me most was the timeline of Earth. I already knew that man has only inhabited Earth for a small fraction of it’s existence, but to see it portrayed visually is very effective – mankind is a blink of the eye to Mother Earth.

Several months ago I went to see the movie “An Inconvenient Truth” – put your political bias aside – this is not about politics, it’s about science and reality – it’s about a man-made condition that will cause the demise of mankind. No reputable scientist disputes that global warming is real (so don’t you – you’re not qualified). And most agree that it is happening at alarming rates that may already be out of our control.

So first, here is my somewhat unconventional theory as to the origin of man: I don’t think man is from here, not altogether at least. I consider the possibility that during the evolution of man that some entity from somewhere else bred with one of the early forms of man and from that the human species has evolved. The reason I think this is mostly because of how separated from the natural world humans are. We are the only species destroying the Earth – if we were indigenous to the planet, wouldn’t we have a survival instinct within us to protect the Earth instead of destroy it? Some would argue that it is our “superior intelligence” that sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom. But to that I say, why does man, this ONE species on the earth, have “superior intelligence"? Where did it come from? And why hasn’t it evolved parallel to us in other creatures?

And as for the demise of mankind – unlike the dinosaurs who never saw it coming and had nothing to do with it, we are going to cause our own extinction. It’s poetic justice if you ask me. We are so arrogant and so righteous that we thought we could trash this planet and it would adapt for us. We deserve every ounce of annihilation our “superior intelligence” is going to bring us. Earth will survive, it always has, it always will. The best thing that could happen to Earth is the extinction of man – and relatively speaking, she doesn’t have long to wait. In the timeline of Earth, man will forever be nothing more than a blink of Mother’s eye.

Where the Hell did the Pendulum Go?

2006-10-26T22:11:00.000-04:00

In February, only 8 months ago, I blogged about the importance of compromise and working together to find our political similarities and using that as a starting point in working together to heal this divided nation (See “Middle Ground” 2/20/06). I liked that blog, it made a lot of sense to me, it still does in theory. But now we are less then 2 weeks from Election Day, and I assure you, I will not be taking the middle ground.

I want to be open-minded. I want to be flexible. I want to believe in a middle ground that we can all live with. But I can’t see it. And what is alarming to me is that it feels like the “middle ground” has taken a giant step to the right. The middle isn’t the middle anymore it’s over there a ways and people who prefer the left are going to have to give up more to get to the “middle.” I know it’s a pendulum. We’ve seen this before; eventually it will swing back the other way. But what if the pendulum is stuck? What if it’s not coming back? What if the pendulum is broken? Then what? Riots? Fascism? Civil War? Don’t laugh – you think it can’t happen? (but that’s another blog in it’s self! I’ll move on.)

So, Election Day – (supposedly) the chance for each of us to have our say in where the pendulum goes from here. (Okay, the “supposedly” was a dig, and I will save that for another blog too, for this entry, lets just stay in la-la-land and pretend that we have a non-corrupt election process). This is when I’m supposed to be pushing that Middle Ground theory I liked so well. But I can’t do it. It’s a cliché, but it’s true too (can clichés be true?) – I don’t want to throw my vote away! I am not willing to vote for a candidate that I know has no chance of winning when I desperately want the pendulum to come back. And so, I turn into one of those narrow-minded people that I can’t stand; pent up with anger and resentment for those with opposing views; convinced, beyond all reason, that “my” way is the only way. Yes – that’s exactly right – beyond all reason. Because my logical mind knows that the extremes are not the answer. And more alarming, to fight one extreme with another extreme will lead to further division in our nation, communities and values and eventually to violence.

We are living in interesting times. I feel like we are at the edge of a cliff and something’s got to give. History will mark this spot. But how? Will it be a turning point or a jumping point? Or will we work together to build a bridge? Time will tell . . . tick, tock, tick, tock. (Was that the pendulum I heard?)

Unitarian Universalism as a Political Platform

2006-07-26T14:56:00.000-04:00

Fellow Americans, we are in a world of trouble and if we (that’s you and me) don’t take steps to make things better they are going to get drastically worse. As a culture/nation we have become very lazy; we have become complacent; and we have left it up to our "elected” officials to handle everything for us. They are doing a poor job of it and it’s time we take back control. If our forefathers could see us now, they’d be dumping oil in Boston Harbor.

Except for a small handful of sheep who can’t think for themselves, I believe that we are all in agreement that change is needed and it is needed NOW. This is not about being Republican or Democrat, this is about whether or not you can hold your head high and say “I’m an American” – these days I can not. I am embarrassed by the leadership of this country and the complacency of it’s citizens (that’s you and me, again).

It is clear that we are a nation divided – “polarized” to use the popular media term. It is that very polarization that is allowing the current state of affairs. We won’t come together to work on anything because we are so far apart and so stubborn that we can’t compromise. As a result, something far worse then compromise is occurring. It is time that we stop concentrating on our differences and instead focus on our similarities and work toward a solution.

At the risk of sounding like I am mixing politics and religion (which I am NOT) I would like to propose a Unitarian Universalist approach to our political problem. (Here me out – this is a good metaphor) There are many religions in the world, and the majority of them pretty much outline the same guidelines, but they have a different name for their God(s) and they tell different stories to illustrate their teachings, but in the end, much of the teachings are the same. But yet wars are waged over the slight differences and the need to have "my" religion be the ONE religion. And then the Unitarian Universalists came along and basically said: we don’t care what you call your God(s) (if any) or which story you believe (if any), we believe in “right relations” and as long as you believe in “right relations” then we’re all cool. You know what "right relations" is – you know right from wrong; you know what makes a good person vs. a bad person – do right; be a good person; be true to yourself and to others and try to make the world a better place.

Why can’t we take this same approach to politics? Why can’t we forget the semantics of right and left and concentrate on what we ALL want. Yes there will be differences between us, but we are not accomplishing anything productive by focusing on those differences, in fact, it is causing our self-destruction. We all want peace, we all want relief from poverty, a decent health care system, a healty environment . . . (the list goes on and on). So let’s put our great minds together and find a way to make it happen. Let’s be the UU’s of politics and say: we don’t care what you call your political party (if you even have one), we believe in “right relations” and as long as you believe in “right relations” then we’re all cool. You know what "right relations" is – you know right from wrong; you know what makes a good person vs. a bad person – do right; be a good person; be true to yourself and to others and try to make the world a better place.

Summer TIME

2006-06-19T13:07:00.000-04:00

Summer is here, the days are getting SHORTER! I know, that’s not the traditional line of thought this time of year. Summer Solstice is upon us and this is the time of year that everyone is heard saying “the days are getting so long!” Well, I beg to differ – on a couple of levels.

First of all, face it guys, the days are NOT getting longer, there are still 24 hours in a day, no matter what time of year it is or what hemisphere you live in. The days are not longer, only the daylight is longer and that’s what leads to my theory that the days are getting shorter.

Okay, right – still only 24 hours in a day, but the problem I have identified is that because there is so much more daylight in a day, I have less time to get my usual stuff done. I was feeling like a real slacker until I figured this out; as it turns out it’s not my fault (it never is!) You see, my usual stuff is all indoor stuff (balanceing my check book, reading, blogging, cleaning the house, playing in the dark room) and most of the new-found daylight is during the hours that I have available to do my usual stuff. After all, I sleep at night and I work from 8 to 5 (roughly) so that leaves me 5 to 11-ish to do my stuff and it doesn’t get dark now until almost 10:00.

So there you have it – in the summer when the daylight gets longer, my available time to be productive is reduced to about an hour and a half before bed (but by then I’ve had a couple beers and . . . .) See what I mean – not my fault!

The Shoink Theory (a work in progress)

2006-05-16T16:28:00.000-04:00

Shoink Factor: the mystical force that pulls two people together when a significant number of elements of circumstance are properly aligned.

Picture us as entities floating around in space (the Shoink-pool), doing our own thing, living our lives. Let’s say there are 20 elements of circumstance within us (this is an abstract theory, don’t get caught up in the details – 20 is arbitrary, and no, I can’t name them. Where was I? Oh, yeah - - -) so there are 20 elements of circumstance that exist within us and here we are floating around the Snoink-pool. The Shoink Theory says that the number of circumstantial elements between us that are aligned, determines if we are drawn to another person and how strongly we are drawn. But not in a voluntary way, remember, this theory is based on a mystical force – it’s not within our control – we can’t make our elements align. Although some of us have tried this manipulation many times to force the Shoink Factor into effect – but to no avail – this may produce a temporary, false-Shoink, but it is not a true Shoink. The Shoink force is like a magnetic attraction, only it’s not scientific, it’s mystical.

The strength of the Shoink force between two people is determined by how many of our circumstantial elements are aligned. For example, if only 8 out of a possible 20 are aligned, we would probably have to be in fairly close proximity to connect – we would likely find each other in life as long as our paths came somewhere near each other. But then there are the high-level Shoinks (these are the really fun ones) where you have maybe 18, 19 – maybe even all 20, elements lining up, and SHOINK! – there is no stopping it! You could be floating on opposite ends of the Shoink-pool and there is nothing that would stop you from connecting – this is the Shoink Major! This is meant to be! Don’t fight it!

Support for the Shoink Theory:
During some points in our lives we align very nicely with another person, all is good and harmonious, and then later in life we find that we “drift apart.” Aptly stated! Our circumstantial elements re-align and the Shoink force between us is lessened and we do, literally, drift away from each other in the Shoink-pool because we no longer have as strong of a Shoink force drawing us together.

Likewise, sometimes we Shoink with a person and we realize that if our paths had crossed 5, 10, 20 years ago, we would not have Shoinked with them at all – our elements would not have been properly aligned.

More Shoink Research Required
This is a good start to the Shoink Theory, but more research is required. I have some unanswered questions:

1. In order to achieve Shoink Major, are there particular elements that are required. That is to say, even if you have 18 out of 20, but one of the missing ones is “X” then you can’t have a Shoink Major?

2. Are the elements weighted or are they all of equal importance?

3. Do some elements have to be alike to “align” and others need to be opposite to “align?”

4. Is Shoinking self-supporting? Once in a Shoink-groove with someone, does the strength of the Shoink increase naturally?

5. What are the circumstancial elements? and how many are there?

6. Maybe it’s not as simple as a certain number of elements – maybe each element has a particular shape and size -- and it's more like a lock and key alignment?

Clearly more research is needed.

Happy Shoinking!

UNCLE!

2006-05-09T23:25:00.000-04:00

That’s it! I can’t take it anymore! UNCLE! (If you are easily offended cover your ears for a minute (or in this case, cover your eyes)) . . . FUCK THE FLUTE. I’m done! I gave it an earnest try, but it’s just not working out. I’m tired of sounding like a cat fight every time I sit down to practice. I’m tired of telling myself how much I suck. I suck so bad I don’t want to practice (because it is degrading) and guess what? – that makes me suck worse! When I started and I was so jovial about my “breathing, blowing and tonguing” (see blog of 12/19/05), Eggroll said “give it at least 6 months – don’t give up before 6 months.” Well, Eggroll, it’s been 5 months, 1 week and 3 days - - sorry bud, I just couldn’t make it to a full 6 months. It’s not that I can’t afford another 2 lessons to get me to the end of the month, it’s that I can’t afford to be this pissed off at myself. I’m not the most self-assured person to begin with, so I really don’t need to seek opportunities to feel like a complete loser.

So I will get it all over with at once. I will quit the flute and feel like a complete loser for being a quitter. But, at least I will get it over with. I won’t have to keep punishing myself for not practicing and torturing myself by practicing. This is like a new-found freedom. I don’t have to suck any more!

You know it’s not that bad (my quitting, I mean (I didn’t mean my flute playing, that definitely is THAT bad!)). See the thing is, I know that I am not a talented artist (drawing, painting, etc) and so I would never consider taking art lessons – it would be a waste of time and I know I would always feel inadequate about it. The thing is, I just never knew that about myself musically. But maybe that makes sense – isn’t there some psycho-analytical bullshit about the left brain and the right brain? One of them is artsy and the other isn’t – well, I think that artsy section of my brain is completely brain-dead. Why fight it?!

Besides, I had taken on way too much in the last year. And I’m glad I did, I’ve enjoyed trying some new things, even the flute – really! But not everything is a good fit and you can’t do EVERYTHING there is to do. But there is no harm in trying. So, I will enjoy getting back to my book clubs which I have been remiss in keeping up with (and which I have been missing), I will continue to pursue my dark room endeavors, spring is here and I am thrilled to be wrist deep in dirt, and I will enjoy spending leisure time with my friends.

Who needs the friggin’ flute anyway?!

Where Do Exemplary Humans Come From?

2006-05-02T22:30:00.000-04:00

I have known a small handful of people in my life (3 that I can think of) who I have come to label “exemplary humans.” They have a unique quality, but it’s not one that I can exactly put my finger on; it might not be the exact same quality in each of them. They seem to me to be advanced at being human beings – they are exemplary humans. [This, by the way, is an incredible statement coming from me, as I don’t particularly like humans – so to be an “exemplary human” is off the charts.] It’s very hard to explain the traits, but let me try – they seem to have an inner calmness, they are very excepting of others and non-judgmental, they are nurturing and understanding, they know themselves and are true to themselves, they seem to grasp the reality of a situation readily and deal with life with a perfect combination of level-headedness and compassion, they value the important stuff and not the material stuff. In a nut shell, to me, they seem like they really “fit” here. [Which is pretty awesome to me, since I generally feel like I don’t fit here at all.]

I identified my first exemplary human about 8 years ago, and I’ve been working on theories for this ever since. [And, by the way, I may have known, and may still know, more exemplary humans then I have identified, but perhaps I have not known them well enough to pick up on it.] The first theory I formed back when I identified my first exemplary human, it’s my Experienced Souls Theory. It goes like this: Maybe some of us have been here in this reality/dimension that we call “life on earth” more times then others. Maybe when we die our souls can go on to any number of other dimensions that we can’t even imagine with our little human pea-brains and this reality that we know as humans is just one of many options. If you follow this path of thinking, then it is very possible that some of us have been here to this dimension more often then others. And so my logic is that some people have more experienced souls for this environment and therefore they are better at it.

Some where along the way I came up with another possibility, my Home Turf Theory. It goes like this: Sticking with the idea that many different possible dimensions exist for our souls to hang out on, it seems reasonable to me that our souls may have a “home base” and some of our souls are from here originally. So naturally those people “fit” here better then the rest of us because they are literally more at home here.

Pretty far out, ah? Well yeah, I know, but it’s interesting to think about. I was recently sharing these theories with a friend, and I sort of wrapped it up by saying something like, “Do you know what I mean? Some people just seem to be so much better at being human then the rest of us.” To which he replied, “But don’t you think that has something to do with what kind of family environment they grew up in? Don’t you think people who are raised in a stable, loving and nurturing environment tend to have those qualities?” My first thought was that he must not have understood what I was identifying as “exemplary humans,” because there was NO WAY it could have such a logical, earthly, common-sense explanation. But as I opened my mouth to object, I had to stop myself - - - I thought about my three exemplary humans, one by one . . . Amy D. . . Comrade . . . Chaser . . . Damn it! It was true! They do all come from very loving and supportive family networks. So now I’m considering the Loving Family Theory. Of course there’s more to it then that – not everyone who grows up in a loving, stable family is destined to be an exemplary human, only the special ones. Only the ones whose home base is here and they have been here more times then the rest of us! There you have it – my all encompassing theory: The Experienced Soul, Home Turf, Loving Family Theory. I think it still needs some work.

[When contemplating this issue, one must take into consideration our culture. I suspect I would find many more exemplary humans outside of the western, civilized, modernized world. Let’s face it guys – our priorities are all screwed up. I need to re-read the Celestine Prophecy – it talks about how all our bullshit concerns - - politics, economics, power, religion, etc., is all just static, created to distract us from concentrating on becoming fully aware beings. Okay – enough – I’ll save that for another blog.]

Scary, Sad and Wonderful

2006-04-24T16:54:00.000-04:00

“Beginnings are usually scary,
Endings are usually sad,
But it’s what happens in between that really matters”

That’s a quote from the movie “Hope Floats” –it has always stuck with me – it holds a lot of truth for everything in life, not the least of which is relationships (which was the context of the quote). Why are beginnings scary? Do we fear the unknown or do we fear the sad ending to come? I think it’s the latter. After all, when we are young and have no history for comparison, we jump into relationships, heart first – no guts/no glory!

They say that our intense emotional experiences are stamped on every cell in our bodies and becomes part of our physical make-up. This is how Post-Traumatic-Stress-Syndrome works. A person experiences something traumatic and the emotional response is engrained in their cells, so that when something happens later in life that reminds them of that event or emotional state, it triggers the same response, involuntarily. It doesn’t just come from a memory in their brain, it is a physical reaction. I always associated PTSS with something external and larger-then-life (e.g.: experiences of war). But several years ago I had a PTSS reaction to a relationship issue. The details aren’t important, but basically I jumped to an irrational assumption based on a quick flash of “I’ve been here before” and proceeded to rid myself of the situation in order to find the quickest possible escape route. I was shaken for weeks over it. Once I “came to my senses” I could see how completely irrational I had been and it really scared me that I had been so blinded to reality and so unable to control my reaction. Eventually I sought counseling (for a collection of issues) and when this event came up, the counselor explained the whole PTSS cell-stamping thing.

Of course this is an extreme example of how we avoid falling in the same hole twice. But it does seem like it’s a psychological defense mechanism – just like a child and a hot burner – they don’t generally touch it a second time. I don’t know about you, but that’s not a lesson I want my heart to learn. I don’t want to be a person who says “last time I used my heart like this I got burned, so I’m not going to use my heart like that again.” Because if I don’t engage my heart fully, I will never fully love or be loved; and I want that love, I want my heart to hurt because it is bursting with so much love that I can’t hold it all.

Is it scary? – hell yes! It might end and endings are usually sad. But it might be the best thing that ever happened to me, and am I willing to risk missing it because I didn’t have the guts to go for it? Remember: no guts/no glory. So here I go . . . I’m closing my eyes. . . I’m holding my breath. . . . and I’m taking that leap of faith. Faith in what? Faith in him? NO – Faith in me! Faith that I know myself well enough to know what I want and faith that I have good judgment and know that what I am getting my self into is everything I believe it to be.

And in the end, it may be sad. But what happens in between might be the best thing that ever happened to me. And that’s the part I want – I’m willing to be scared and I’m willing to be sad, because it’s what happens in between that really matters.

Road Trippin'

2006-04-13T19:47:00.000-04:00

This is a continuation from Ginger’s blog (That’s Ms. Hill to You) of the same title published on 4/11. She got me started on this subject and as soon as I started commenting I realized I needed to just do my own blog on it.

“What is it about the road trip that gets me?” asks Ms. Hill. What a great question! And there are probably as many different answers out there as there are roadies! That’s the thing about road trips to those of us who are true roadies at heart – it’s very personal. For Ginger it’s the seeing of new things that inspires her and calls her to those never-ending dotted lines. You know, it just occurred to me that this would be a really fun psychological study of people. Becaue when I think about it, it doesn’t surprie me a bit that it’s that visual stimulation that tugs on Ginger to get out there and roll down the highway – Ginger is an artist and a very visual person, so it makes perfect sense to me that the draw for her is a visual one.

She also talks about the need to get out of her head and just "get out of here,” and that, I suspect is a universal restlesness in all roadies. Really – to the point where it becomes dificult to resist the urge to just say fuck it, pack the bags, quit the job and go. I lived this life for about 3 years. I was hooked up with a partner at the time who was the most restless of souls who have roamed this planet (which may have been associated with his unstable mental health). He could not stay anywhere for more then 6 months – literally we moved every 6 months and he kept thinking that the next place we landed was going to be the promised land, but what I realize now (hind site is always 20/20) is that no one place could ever offer him tranquility, because it was the times in between, the times on the road, that he was happiest. We crossed the country a couple of times and lived on the road in a variety of styles -- true roadies in an old RV, we lived in a tent twice (once by choice and once because we were homeless and had no money) we stayed in motels when we had money and in the car when we didn’t. Okay sorry, I won’t go on about those years – to coin a phrase: they were the best of times, they were the worst of times. But that’s how life is on the road – always the roller coaster – thrills and spills (of course this might also have be somewhat attributable to his mental health).

Okay sorry, back to where I was going with this - - - For me, I think the attraction is a feeling of groundedness that comes with being on the road. (Isn't that funny -- I feel more grounded when I'm mobile?!) It puts me in touch with the time and space I am in. I feel very present when I am on a road trip. It’s a state of mind all it’s own. (You must understand that a “road trip” is not tooting around town doing errands, it’s getting out there on the big road and covering some territory.) It’s not that my mind doesn’t wander when I’m road tripping, sure it does, but it’s like the energy around me is very crisp and my nerves are keenly attuned (okay, so maybe some of that is the amount of coffee I drink on the road – but whatever it is, it’s all part of the experience). And the other thing for me (maybe related) is the sense of being in my own little pod of space (the interior of my car) which is traveling along transporting me and keeping me somehow safe from all the stuff “out there.” Which leads me back to my theory of road trip attraction fitting with a psychological profile – I am definitely an introvert and don’t feel comfortable dealing with humans – my little “space pod” is like a safe and secluded nest to me on the road. I find my self feeling at loose ends with myself quite frequently in my everyday life – like I’m not quite fitting in to this place; but when I’m on the road, that sensation of being present erases all that insecurity and anxiety.

It’s true. I love being on the road. Thank you, Ms Hill, for reminding me how much.

The Stirrings of Spring

2006-04-10T22:08:00.000-04:00

Mother Nature’s clock ticks on, returning all to this moment of awakening. These first few weeks, like those moments just before consciousness – that space between dreams and reality where there is only enough awareness to feel how good the dream is and surrender to the comforting weightlessness of its cradle.

The thread of a cool crisp breeze twisting around a bright sun beam forming a candy-cane of bright tinsel on warm gold.

The primal quenching of your soul’s thirst as Thundergod dispenses his nourishment to the suckling earth in an explosion of unbridled passion.

The hopeful determination of that first little crocus who dares to defy the logic of Jack Frost, frightening him off and forging the way for her more tender sisters.

The busying of amorous new couples in the forest creating their nurseries in perfect harmony and cooperation.

A swelling tide of green washes across the landscape, cleansing all that it covers with the rejuvenation and promise of life renewed.

The Dating Game

2006-04-05T16:50:00.000-04:00

I’m not sure I even know what the definition of a date is. As an adult, what is the difference between hanging out and spending time getting to know some one vs. dating? Is it the same thing? Does there have to be some form of physical contact to be a date? Or an expectation or hope of physical contact? Or does there have to be the hope for mutual heart-felt feelings? I’m not sure.

What I am sure of is that I have never enjoyed the process; it’s always been very uncomfortable for me – painfully – to the point that I basically don’t even attempt to do it. It’s always feels like such a judgmental process – like its two people trying to put on their best front so the other person will like them and at the same time trying to see through the front that the other person is putting on to figure out how big of a jerk they really are. Does that sound like fun to you? It doesn’t to me – I am just NOT into the head game. And besides, no one in this scenario is actually getting to know the other person, your only getting to know the person they want you to think they are (seldom the same if they have to pretend – think about it!)

But what are the alternatives?
1. There’s resolving yourself to being single. I have become very happy with my single self – this has been working very well for me for over a year.
2. There’s the one-night-stand, where you meet, there are sparks and you hop in bed with no interest or intent of anything else by either party. This works fine if you are just looking for a release of sexual energy.
3. And then there is the fast-forward approach, where you meet, there are sparks, and you immediately hop in bed (skipping the awkward dating stage) and suddenly become over-night lovers. This path does not work, but the reason it is an attractive choice is because you can basically hold your breath, close your eyes and jump past that terrible, awful, awkward dating stage and just get to the relationship. This is ridiculous because what you have skipped is the part where you get to know each other and figure out whether or not this makes sense before getting into the relationship stage.

Well I have just discovered another option, one that many people probably already knew about, but which I have never had the pleasure (or good sense) to experience. Which is pretty sad considering that I am middle-aged and have had more relationships (all failed obviously) then I can count. Here it is –
4. honest dating – spend time with someone who you feel very comfortable with, someone who does not make you feel threatened in anyway. Be completely open and honest with this person and encourage them to be that way with you. Actually, the way this works is if they can see that your defenses are down and you are not painting on a façade, chances are good that they will follow suit. You will know if they are being real or not – if they can’t be real, skip them and don’t waste your time. If they are being as open and honest as you are, it will be pretty obvious whether or not you are compatible – do you share common values, similar interests, respect each others differences, can you talk about anything without the fear of judgment or rejection. If you answered yes to all the above, they are a keeper and you need to let them know how you feel. That’s part of the honesty – show them your honest self and don’t be afraid to let them know how you feel. Sounds scary, ah? Actually, not. It’s a pretty awesome experience.

Yes it’s true – I’m 43 and have just had my best-ever first date. My first honest date. I don’t know where it’s headed, but it’s off to a really good start.

There's an Alien Inside Me

2006-03-31T20:25:00.000-05:00

It’s the only logical explanation I can come up with (if you consider alien body-snatching logical). I am just not the same person I was a short time ago. I’m not exactly sure when this alien took over my body – some time in the past few months. I’m exhibiting very odd behavior for me.

I am constantly exploring new interests and challenges, and I no longer approach them with the “Oh, that would be fun but I can’t do it” line. Instead, it’s “That’s cool, I’m doin’ it!” I no longer sit around bored with nothing to fill my hours; suddenly there is not enough time in a week, a day, an hour to do all the new things I want to do.

I am consciously (and even sub-consciously) being a, kinder, gentler, more sympathetic, less judgmental person. I say that I am “trying to be a better person” but there’s not a lot of “trying” to it. I am choosing to see the good in people and have patience and compassion for the bad.

I am no longer approaching relationships (friends, lovers, co-workers, etc) with that insecurity-of-self that always made me feel like I needed to please them -- “If I act like they want me to, they’ll like me.” (Which, by the way, never works in the long run anyway – hence my long chain of failed intimate relationships). Of course, I still hope to be liked in my relationships, but not at the cost of compromising who I am. I now actually let myself have moods in public – it’s sort of liberating.

So you explain it? Where did this self-confident, grab-the-world-by-the-tail attitude come from? It couldn’t have come from me! I’ve never possessed an ounce of it. So, back to my original hypothesis – there’s an alien living in me. But for the first time in my life I can look myself in the eye (with the help of a mirror of course) and say “I like me!” So, I’m hopin’ she’s comfy in here and she’s planning on staying – I don’t really know how these alien invasions work.

The SUSPENSE is KILLING ME!

2006-03-22T23:59:00.000-05:00

How do you people do this?! This is completely nerve racking! I’m not saying it’s not a good thing – but the SUSPENSE! Oh my god! It’s enough to give you a heart attack (or ME, anyway). And patience! To be good at it, you need patience! NOT my strong suit. (Favorite Quote: “Instant gratification takes TOO long!” - Postcards from the Edge)

I just discovered eBay. (Yes, I know, I’m about a generation behind the times (thanks for reminding me)). I had heard of it, and sort of knew how it worked, but it seemed so foreign. After all, there are stores for new things and classifieds for used things – where’s the need for this on-line swap meet? (There are so many exciting things out there beyond my comfort zone – it’s amazing!) I had never even been to the eBay site – I had no need (and so much fear!). But my recent decision to turn my laundry room into a darkroom drove me to eBay.

So I searched for darkroom equipment. Who knew?! In the new digital age of photography all the old film equipment went to eBay to retire – COOL! I found about 8 enlarger set ups I wanted to “watch” in “My eBay” (aren’t you impressed – I know the lingo already!). I even emailed several of the sellers to ask specifics (and got responses!) (It’s an amazing world we live in!) But the “time left” on the first item up for bid wasn’t due for over a day – a whole day! So I decided which one I wanted first and I actually bid! With trembling fingers I signed up for Pay Pal and clicked [Bid Now]. But I soon got into a bidding war with some jerk who was also bidding and that sorta pissed me off, so I stopped bidding. I ended up giving that item up – I had decided it was not the best choice, there were a couple of more attractive choices coming up, so I decided to practice patience (of all things!).

Somewhere early in this process I read a “tip” on the eBay site suggesting that you start with a small item – like a CD or something, to get comfortable with the bidding process. (good advice – I probably should have taken it – oh well.)

Of my remaining items on “watch” I zoned in on what I wanted and I didn’t do a thing. I waited. And I watched. A few fools bid back and forth, running up the price, but still I waited. Not time yet. I am a quick study! If you are available to be at your computer when the auction ends, there is no point running up the bid, giving those other eBayers an opportunity to think about it and bid against you! WAIT – be PATIENT – it will pay off (literally!)

Finally – the hour arrives, I wait some more. . . . ahhh, 10 minutes left ‘til the auction closes, NOW I strike! I place my “highest bid” (that which I am willing to go up to) and the eBay machine ups the published bid by $5 with my logon next to it (and I am willing to go much higher.) I hold my breath. . . hmmm, no one else has a standing bid in any higher. Ohhwww – maybe I’ll GET it?! Tick. . . Tick. . . Tick. . . This was the LONGEST ten minutes of my life! I must have hit my refresh button 100 times! My heart was racing! – I couldn’t take the suspense. I had to walk away! I came back, hit refresh again and . . . . STILL had 1 minute to go! Another few refreshes. (my god, this minute is taking FIVE minutes!) And then! Before my screen could do it’s last refresh, my email notification popped up “msg from eBay re: You Have Won!” YEAH! I WON! (at this point I was literally jumping up and down!). I WON! (well, okay, for $255 plus shipping I won – but still – I won!).

Bottom line – I’m glad I have conquered my fear of eBay and I’m sure I’ll be back to eBay for other purchases from time to time. But the trauma was too much for me. I could never be an eBay junkie – I don’t have the nerves or the patience for it! (Just as well, I have enough vices!)

Developing New Interests

2006-03-17T00:41:00.000-05:00

I need to hurry up and get old so I can retire and have time to do all the cool, fun things I want to be doing. Either that or win the lottery (which I don’t play). Don’t get me wrong, I love my job; but I seem to have all these interests all the sudden that I want to spend my time on and I just don’t have enough time to do them all. I would cut out sleep if I could – it seems like such an incredible waste of time, doesn’t it? – but my body won’t let me. I may have to become an energy-drink-junkie (see previous blog: “Is This Shit Legal” 3/10/06).

I can remember not all that long ago feeling like I wasn’t a very interesting or diverse person because I had no real hobbies or interests. WOW – has that ever changed, and I don’t really know why or when exactly – it must be part of my metamorphosis (see previous blog: “Metamorphosis” 1/22/06). In addition to my full-time job, the Mug Club and my social circle, in the past year I have added to my life the following: 2 monthly book clubs, church, blogging, flute lessons, a gym membership and now my long lost passion for photography – something is going to have to give – it may be my sanity.

The 2 book clubs were fairly do-able during the winter – what’s better then curling up with a blanket, the cat and a good book when the weather is nasty? I was easily getting my 2 club books in and at least one other of my choice each month. But spring is just around the corner and that will start the gardening season and all those other fun-in-the-sun activities. Last fall I joined and became a pretty active memeber of a UU church which has provided me many interesting and thought provoking perspectives (see previous blog: "My Religious Beliefs" 2/20/06) as well as new social outlets. Then I started blogging, and as I am fond of saying in my blogs – if you are reading this, I don’t have to tell you what a time-suckage blogging is. The really sicko part about me blogging is that I am quite sure that the only people that visit my blog are people I know and see fairly regularly, so why can’t I just tell them what’s on my mind?! Then I decided to fulfill my desire to “make music” and so, not even knowing how to read music, I took up the flute (see previous blog: “Breathing, Blowing and Tonguing” 12/19/05). This is not technically a time-suckage, more like blowing off some time (ha ha – get it?). In addition to my weekly lesson I should be practicing dailey. And recently I joined a gym which I am (so far) going to pretty faithfully every morning. Now this one almost doesn’t count, because I do it first thing in the morning when I would otherwise still be sleeping (or trying to wake up), so as far as time management goes, this is almost a freebee.

And yes, now I have decided to rekindle my passion for photography. I took a couple of semesters of it in college and loved it. But once my classes were over I lost my interest pretty quickly. My passion lies more in the darkroom then behind the lens (and if I wasn’t taking a class, I didn’t have access to the school’s darkroom). Sure you need to compose a decent shot, but basically anyone can take a picture and send it off to Kodak to be developed. The real fun/challenge/artistry for me is in the darkroom. And yes, I am old fashioned – it can’t be digital – it’s gotta’ be 35mm and it’s gotta’ be B&W. Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of cool color photos, and what you can do with digital photography these days is pretty amazing – it’s just not my gig. I’m B&W and I’m film.

Over the years I have often mourned my lost passion, but it seemed like such an incredible undertaking to set up my own darkroom that I didn’t really think it was reasonable. A couple of weeks ago I was driving around and I gave it more thought – I really wanted to get my camera out again – it’s been sitting in a closet, pretty much untouched, for almost 20 years (I can’t believe it’s been that long!) So, I decided it was time to dust off my baby and get her back in action. My house has the perfect laundry room for a darkroom and in this world of eBay, I’m sure I can pick up some used equipment. So I thought I would pick a topic – something I can do a photographic study of; this will give me purpose. If nothing else it will get the camera in my car and in my hands and back in use. Of course I will take other photos too, but having a theme will help get me motivated.

At first I thought I would do silos – having grown up on a farm, silos have a place in my heart and silos are becoming a dying icon of the American landscape; I thought there might be purpose in documenting them before they are all gone. But as I thought about it, in terms of an artistic subject, I don’t really find silos very interesting. There are some cool silos but from a linear perspective they don’t have much diversity of form. So, I continued to think about it as I drove and it hit me – Electric Line Towers –those massive steel (sometimes wood) structures that hold up the high-tension wires. They are all over the place and have many different shapes, styles and forms. I very much like the geometric shapes of the towers and their supported lines. And they are found in a wide variety of settings and back drops – sometimes blending into an industrial setting and sometimes contrasting a rural, otherwise pristine setting. Okay – I’ll stop now, sorry – I realize this is my passion, not yours.

So, anyway, if you can’t find me curled up on the couch with a book, or attending some UU function, or sitting here blogging, or practicing my flute, or at the gym, check the darkroom.

Is This Shit Legal?

2006-03-10T00:22:00.000-05:00

So I was at the grocery store this evening and there was a display with a new “energy drink” on sale. I don’t do energy drinks – I’m not the “energy-drink-type.” I’ve never been a pop/soda drinker and that’s where I categorize “energy drinks.” I drink milk and dark beer primarily and I don’t really see the need for much else. But I fell for it – at 99 cents a can (and sugar free) what did I have to lose, right? --- SLEEP – that’s what!

I had some kitchen work to do this evening so when I got home I popped open a can of “Rip It” and put my favorite rocker on (Melissa Etheridge – nobody else comes close – don’t even go there!) Well I finished my chores hours ago and here I am at midnight, wide AWAKE. (I’ve done speed that wasn’t this good! (ancient history, Eggroll)). So I thought I’d get some work done – came down to the “office” logged on and started checking on my blogger buddies and. . . . (if you are reading this I don’t have to tell you what a time-suckage blogs are!) So then I thought I’d write a blog – I’m over due and so AWAKE, I might as well. So I started a blog about how great Melissa is and why she’s so great. But it turned into rambling (sort of like this) and I decided I couldn’t focus enough to do her justice. So I logged off. Went upstairs to pee (I know, TMI). Hmm It’s almost midnight and a “school night” I should go to bed – but how can I? I’m so AWAKE! Hot tub? – nahh, it’s raining and I really think I’m too wired to relax anyway. Then I realize that although I am cold (too cheap to turn up the heat) my cheeks (face) are burning and bright red. This seems a bit strange since my fingers are ice sickles – whatever?! Hmm, what will I do??? Read a book? No – way too sedentary. So I come back down stairs, log on again. . . . .????? I could try working again, but that would take focus – I don’t think I have enough focus to concentrate. So, ….????? So here I sit wide AWAKE, blogging about how AWAKE I am.

Anything else you want to talk about? ‘Cause, I’m really AWAKE and I could chat all night. Come to think if it, I never did speed alone. Now I know why. Maybe I should have some “Sleepy Time” tea? Or would that be the legal equivalent of a speed ball? Or I could have a few of those dark beers? As I recall that pretty much produces a really AWAKE drunk – no thanks. Oh well, I have 5 CD’s of Melissa on shuffle/repeat – so I could be up all night with her – hmmm – up all night with Melissa Etheridge – now that could be fun! … just a fantasy, I’m sure I’m not her type – too straight!

Okay well I’ll let you go to sleep now, but if you want to chat about anything, I’ll be right here, wide AWAKE!

Reality Check: Mom's Mortality

2006-03-02T18:40:00.000-05:00

I went to bed Friday night and I laid there for some reason thinking about my mom and the fact that she is getting older – she is 74. I started out thinking about her age in the way that it effects me these days – her hearing is noticeably failing and that can be annoying; her memory has recently gotten quite bad and that is somewhere between annoying and embarrassing; she seems to be even more brazen then usual in doling out her sage advice and this is down-right irritating. Yes, I do realize how incredibly self-centered this thought process is – I am not proud of it, but I am being honest. And then, for the first time ever, I connected the dots – what happens after old age?

(this space left blank intentionally to represent shock)

NO. Not mom. Other people, yeah, but not MY mom. Well sure, someday. Someday it will happen to all of us, but not . . . .

(this space left blank intentionally to represent denial)

My mom is in really good health and she is very active for her age, you would never think she is 74 – other people who are 74 look old, my mom does not look, or act, or sound old (despite all the stuff I said before). How many people live to be 80? Some, but not a lot. My mom could die. Anytime. Maybe it will be a body/health thing. Maybe she will be in an accident. Maybe one day she just won’t wake up. And then what? ? ? ?

(this space left blank intentionally to represent reality settling in)

And then I wouldn’t have my mom any more. And then there would be no chance left to tell her how much I love her. That even though we don’t always see eye to eye and we’ve been through some bad times, I respect her. That even though she wasn’t always the best mom in the world, it wasn’t her fault and I don’t blame her. That every good quality I have has a direct line to her. That I am sorry for every harsh word between us, even if we meant them at the time. . . .

(this space left blank intentionally to represent reflection)

The Sum Of All My Parts

2006-02-24T21:14:00.000-05:00

I have recently been a participant in two separate personality tests. One was required through my employer, that was the Kolbe A Index and the other I chose to take which was the Myers Briggs Type Indicator.

The Kolbe A Index that I took was designed to identify natural talents and skills in terms of a career. Kolbe also does other personality tests, they started out doing child personality typing, and now do all sorts, but the one my boss had me take was work-related (go figure!) It’s a very positive test; there is no right/wrong or bad/good judgment given – even the biggest loser is going have a report spit out that says something positive. As they describe the concept: “we all have an equal amount of quality, it’s just a matter of where our quality lies” (how’s that for a schmooze!) Anyway, the test asks a series of about 30 questions, mostly about how you would approach various problem-solving challenges. It ends up grading you on 4 stages of the process from fact-finding through implementation of the solution. I did not score high in any one of the categories (but remember there is no wrong or bad response! Its all about the combination!). As I read the description of my “type profile” I realized that it had me dead-on. My overall personality type was labeled as “Mediator” which not only ended up fitting me perfectly, but fits the job that I have to a tee (the job that I absolutely love!) There are pages of explanation, I won’t bore you with it all, but here’s a summary: Good at facilitating groups because I can bring them to consensus; accommodate a variety of ways to get something accomplished; effective working on a team but not out front – happier behind the scenes; a knack for bridging the gap between differing approaches; bring out the best from individuals; the glue that holds a group together; prevent projects from breaking down when others become polarized. What was even more interesting to me was that it said the “Mediator” was the rarest of personality types. So this is great – I have the right skills for my job. I have my performance evaluation next week, we’ll see if my boss agrees.

The Myers Briggs Type Indicator was also very interesting; it was developed by Carl Jung, the famous psychiatrist. This test is conducted in two stages. First you answer about a 75 item questionnaire mostly about preferences and comfort zones. Before you see the results of the test you are presented with 4 categories and for each one you have to select which end of the spectrum most closely describes your tendency/approach. They are:
Where do you get your energy? Extraversion or Introversion
How do you prefer to take in information? Sensing or Intuition
How do you make decision? Thinking or Feeling
How do you deal with the outer world? Judging or Perceiving
There are 16 possible combinations of these factors; the combination that fits you is your personality type. The test that you take also scores you for what personality type you are. I am an INTJ (Introversion / Intuition / Thinking / Judging). It was very interesting that the only category that was really hard for me to choose was the Sensing/Intuition, I could relate to both descriptions, and I actually chose Sensing. My test had scored me as a solid Intuitive and after carefully reading the description for the two of them I decided I am an INTJ. I can also identify with some of the ISTJ characteristics, but as a whole it did not describe me as well. Again – there are pages of description – I’ll hit the highlights: likes complex challenges and readily synthesizes complicated theoretical and abstract matters; values knowledge and expects competence of themselves and others; trusts their insightful connections regardless of established authority or popular opinions; dull routine smothers their creativity; tough and decisive when the situation calls for toughness; trusts their own perceptions and judgments more than those of others and applies their high standards of knowledge and competence most rigorously to them self; theory oriented – seeks to understand the principles on which the world and things in it work; trusts logic and reason; skeptical and precise. I go along with all of that. This will confirm it for you if you are in doubt (and if you know me at all) -- there is a little handout that goes along with the MB Types that offers an amusing but apt “prayer” for each type – my INTJ prayer is “Lord, keep me open to others’ ideas, wrong though they may be.”

What does all this mean? In the end, nothing that I didn’t already know mostly, it just put it into words. It’s not a crystal ball; it doesn’t then go on to tell you your destiny. Both of these tests work off of the premise that there are certain strengths/talents that we are born with that we will always have and are not learned skills. They both stressed that what they are uncovering is the “natural” strengths/preferences/talents, but that everyone is capable of developing others, and it in no way should be assumed that if someone didn’t score strongly in one area that it was an indication that they were not or could not be talented in that area (how’s that for a disclaimer!)

It’s funny that I am so fascinated by this stuff (and I am). I am not a person who likes to be pigeon-holed, labeled, categorized – I’m an individual damn it! I’m more complicated then your calculations and test scores! There is more to me then the sum of all my parts! But maybe that’s why I find this stuff so cool – we are all individuals, yet we can take these tests and they spit out some report that describes so much of us so accurately -- it's almost scarey. But then there’s all that other stuff – there’s the stuff these reports could never know about me – that’s the part that makes me, me!

The Need to Nest is Strong

2006-02-20T00:22:00.000-05:00

I had a really odd day Saturday, I wasn’t quite myself, but I wasn’t quite someone else either – or maybe I was and I just don’t know that person. I'm calling it an out-of-mind experience. I’ve had this sensation before, but not often and not for a long time. It feels like it should be drug-induced, but it wasn’t. It was the first day in a long time that I had absolutely no plans and no commitments. (What does that say about me?). Between my job, my recent church involvement and my more recent flute lessons, I no longer have a routine day that I go to bed without the alarm set and say, “screw it, I’ll sleep ‘til noon if I want to!” Not that I would sleep until noon – but the feeling of knowing that I could is the gratifying part. But my flute lesson was moved this week, so I had no commitment Saturday morning and really had no particular plans for the day. (Maybe this was the problem? – I had no plan. – Please tell me I don’t require that much structure in my life!)

So I slept until 10:00 and finally roused out of bed closer to 11:00 – completely rested, but not quite myself – sort of in a haze. I just couldn’t focus on anything. I had a list of things I might consider accomplishing – clean the house, run a couple of errands in Kzoo, get some food in the house, pay bills, catch up on my personal emails. Nothing terribly pressing; it all could have been skipped with no notice to anyone. (Maybe this was the problem? – I had no deadlines. – Please tell me I don’t require that much structure in my life!)

I decided to start the day with breakfast – I had been lying in bed thinking that a breakfast sandwich would be good – I have some whole wheat bagels, eggs, cheese, and some turkey bacon – yeah, I’ll do that. But my brain was not fully awake and this is not a good mental state to cook in – sufficive to say, it turned out a gooey, dripping, cardboard-like disaster. I force myself to eat almost half of it before I toss it in the trash. (Maybe this was my problem? – my grandmother always said breakfast is the most important meal. – Please tell me I don’t require that much structure in my life)

After cleaning up that mess, I shoveled the snow off my patio while trying to decide on a plan – the house cleaning and the errands seem like the two things I most wanted to accomplish. So first I gear up to run my errands – make a list (yes, I know about this part of my required structure) and bundle up in my coat, gloves, scarf. . . But just as I am opening the door to leave I think to myself “I don’t know if I really feel like striking right out for these errands?” and “If I leave the house now, I probably will not feel like cleaning the house later and it will never get done.” Okay, that settled it – the list goes in my pocketbook for later, I take the coat, gloves, scarf off and I proceed to half clean the house – which is to say I vacuum, feather-dust and clean the toilet. This is only half cleaning my house because it is overdue for a full cleaning – floors mopped, shower and sinks scrubbed, mirrors windexed, the whole nine yards. But I absolutely do not have it in me to do all that, in fact the whole time I’m half cleaning my house (really just wanting it to be over!) I am wondering how much it would cost to get a cleaning lady to come clean my house really good once a month, and whether or not that is way too decadent for a UU to even be considering – after all, I live alone and it’s a tiny house – that is the one great selling point of a tiny house – “its so easy to clean” -- (yeah – well not today!) It’s not that I felt tired or lazy – I was just really not focused enough to want to be doing these tasks – I was going through the motions, but it felt more like I was watching me do them, but not really doing them.

After half cleaning the house I set out for my errands – one is a used book store I’ve wanted to check out and the other is a health food store in that same neighborhood that surely carries some of the whole grain flours I need for some bread recipes I’ve been wanting to try. But I’m really having trouble visualizing myself going on these errands – why is this important to me? This becomes almost daunting for me. I don’t get it – it’s a book store (I love book stores) and a health food store that I have been in numerous times. Why is this lack of visualization making me feel so intimidated? (Maybe this is my problem? I can’t engage myself in a task I can’t visualize myself doing.—Please tell me I don’t require that much structure in my life!) But insecurities and apprehensions in tow, I head out on my adventure – after making several wrong turns on the way (I’m just not destined to do this!) I find myself at the very cool little book store in Kzoo. But they don’t have the specific book I wanted (not too surprising it’s a used book store – you can’t be picky) and I tell the guy, “okay thanks, I’m just gonna look around awhile.” The guy walks away and all the sudden I felt like I had never stepped foot in a book store before. I could have been on a different planet and I would not have felt more out of place. This is not like me, I love browsing book stores – it’s one of my favorite past times – (yeah – well not today!) This sensation did wear off after several minutes (although it felt like an hour) and I successfully browsed the “Contemporary Classics” section and ended up buying 4 books (to add to my collection of books I don’t have time to read).

So I leave the book store and head up the road toward the health food store, although, I knew, even as I pulled my car away from the book store that I was not going to go to the health food store. Now, mind you, this is not a part of town that I frequent, and if I don’t stop today, it may be some time before I make a special trip over here again. I don’t care – the book store was much too traumatic – I am not going to yet another foreign planet today – I have a serious need to get back home to the safety of my home – where there are no other humans and everything is very familiar to me.

But I am hungry, it’s mid afternoon by now and I threw out most of my breakfast (don’t remind me!). Hmm, well, I am driving right by the super market that has fresh sushi – that’s always a treat for me, I sometimes go out of my way to come here for sushi and look, it’s right here!. . . . Well, it’s right back there now. I drove past it while trying to convince myself I should stop. Nope – didn’t want any part of that place either. So I head toward home. I have no intention of doing a full grocery order, but I know that there is nothing in my house that I want to eat, and I have called in a prescription to my local grocery store, so – kill two birds, right? NOT. Oh, but so close! I pulled in to the drive that leads to my grocery store, but at the very last second veered off for the McDonalds drive-thru because I really don’t want to get out of my car, or deal with humans, or stand in a grocery store trying to make decisions. So instead I settle for grease & salt (my favorite nemesis!) and head for the comfort-zone of my house.

Twenty minutes later I am curled up on my couch with my blanket, my cat and a good book, the fireplace glowing, and I realize - - - THIS is what I’ve wanted to do all day! And there I stayed, late into the night, soaking up as much blissful comfort as I could.

The lesson learned – don’t fight your need to nest! If you wake up and feel like an alien – it’s your mind’s way of telling you that you don’t want to go out there in the world today, what you really need is the comfort and safety of your own nest. The reason fate occasionally hands a busy person a day with no plans, no commitments, no deadlines, is so they can stay home, relax, and enjoy their nest!

Choose Your Legacy

2006-02-12T17:26:00.000-05:00

Some people believe that we choose our own destinies. I used to think I was a person who believed that – which is not to say that I was a person who believed it – I just thought I did. I have never believed in fate – that our lives are but a train riding on rails laid out before us by some higher being. How convenient that would be – absolving us of all responsibility for our actions and situations. So this non-belief led me to “I choose my own destiny”– I like the sound of it – I‘m in control of me! But, I realize that I can’t buy into this line of thinking either. Things happen to us that we have no control over, some are life altering, therefore affecting our destiny. As well, one might strive all their life to achieve a particular goal, never to attain it, but not due to the lack of trying.

And so, I have come to realize that what I do believe is that we can choose our personal legacy. What are we each leaving behind? Not in terms of fortune or material wealth, but rather our reputations, our values, our sense of right and wrong. How will you be remembered? What values are you passing to those who will follow you? We all touch so many other lives in this world, often unaware that we are leaving an impression on another – effecting how they might look at life.

“Don’t worry that your children do not listen to all that you say, instead worry that they see all that you do.”
-- Robert Fulghum --

“The only measure of your words and your deeds will be the love you leave behind when you’re done.”
-- Fred Small --

Years ago, reflecting on some unfortunate events in my life, I came to the realization that it is not important what happens to us during our lives, it is what we do with what happens to us that matters. How I deal with or react to situations and/or other people is what defines me as a person. I can not always control what happens to me or how I am treated by others, but I can choose how I respond. That is my legacy.

“We are the choices we make.”
-- Robert James Waller –

“For it is the relationships in our lives that define us. How we treat others is the best measure of our compassion and achievement.”
-- Mike Roe –

What a different world it would be if everyone would consider thier legacy in every choice they make.

Middle Ground

2006-02-02T22:19:00.000-05:00

It feels like sad times for our nation to me. We are wounded. And rather then pull together and heal thyself, instead we turn on each other and rip our wound apart. A tug of war so grand that all must choose a side or be uncounted; so preposterous we can’t remember what we are fighting over, or more importantly, what we are fighting for. And like a tug of war there are only two sides – the left and the right; the liberals and the conservatives; the democrats and the republicans. With every next issue raised, with every next law passed, with every next right trampled, the divide grows wider, the wound deeper.

“I used to consider myself an independent, but Bush has made a die-hard Democrat out of me.” Only that’s not true, I’m not a die-hard Democrat, but it’s the statement I can make, the persona I can wear, that will tell the world that I am as far away from agreeing with this administration as I can be. So there I go, grabbing hold of the left side and pulling with all my might.

So I ask you comrades – all comrades – left and right, liberal and conservative, democrat and republican – what are we to do about this? Shall we rip and pull until one side is completely defeated and we are left with no choices at all? Or shall we rip and pull until the rope breaks and there is no longer even the finest of threads to bind us together?

Or can we do better then that? Can we make the choice to change? Can we make the choice to pull together and heal thyself? Can we meet on middle ground, and there agree to disagree on the details but also agree to find a compromise that we can all live with? Can we be not left or right; liberal or conservative, democrat or republican, but rather, somewhere in the middle, flexible, independent?

You see no middle ground? Only one extreme or the other? Choosing one of the multitudes of “others” is like throwing away your right to choose? Wait! Stop! This is still a democratic society – votes DO count – we can make a difference if we want to. But we have to stand together; we have to work together to create this middle ground. I’ll take two giant steps forward if you will too! If we don’t both do this it won’t be a middle ground, you see.

Here’s the plan – next election vote Independent for every candidate! Everyone who wants to heal this wound – vote Independent. Will this guarantee that the best people are in office? NO – but it will make those who think they run this nation – on both sides – sit up and take notice. It will remind them that THEY do not decide – WE decide. Isn’t THAT what our forefathers fought for? Isn’t THAT what is supposed to make us proud to be Americans?

Think Positive!

2006-01-31T18:00:00.000-05:00

I heard this great report on NPR last week, and while I was listening I said to myself “I’m going to blog about this” and then of course it slipped my mind and here I am a week later, the details a little fuzzy, but here’s the gist of it. (Maybe someone else heard it too and can fill in some more details?)

There’s a company in Germany that had a serious problem with low morale and also with employee turn-over rates. People at the company were always pissing and moaning about things – work, each other, their families, the weather, etc., and as negativity is apt to do, it infected the entire operation. The owner of the company, recognizing the contagious condition of negativity, wrote a new policy in the Employee Manual that stated that there would be absolutely no negativity accepted on company grounds regardless of whether it related to business or not. The only condition under which someone could complain was if the complaint was a lead-in to a proposed solution to improve that situation. Interviewees were thoroughly informed of this policy and scrutinized on their level of negativity. Unnecessary complaining on the job was grounds for immediate dismissal (which they only ended up having to enforce on a couple of people, who they felt in the end, they were better off without anyway).

As it turned out, most all of the employees were very pleased to have this policy initiated, because, although they were all, no doubt, guilty of spreading negativity themselves, they recognized that it was creating an unpleasant work environment. Within weeks the place turned around – employees were pleasant, they were in better moods, they were more productive, and in the end, they stayed at their jobs longer. Not only did this turn out to be an improvement for the company, but also for the employees. Several of the employees were interviewed and said that the new positive attitude had flowed over into their personal lives and they found that they were much happier people in general.

What a great policy! We should all enforce that discipline on ourselves. Of course, we all need a time and place (and person on whom to) vent our frustrations (isn’t that what blogs are for?). But really, if we could just start with one environment and say “I am not going to be negative here” that would train us to begin to think about how often we are negative and the effect that it has on us and the people around us.

Think about it – what good does complaining do? Here it is in a nutshell – if you don’t like a situation, change the situation; if you do not have the power/control to change it, then accept it or get out of the situation. But don’t complain AND accept it – that’s just pathetic!

Moondust

2006-01-30T21:29:00.000-05:00

When I die, I wanna' be a Luna fairy.

check out David Delamare's work

Metamorphosis

2006-01-22T00:51:00.000-05:00

I feel like I’m at a turning point, where I can become a different me. There’s this other person that lives inside of me. I recognize her; I’ve known her for a long time. She is the me I’ve always wanted to be, but I could never shed this skin I hide her in. I think it’s time.

I wonder how a caterpillar feels just before she turns into a butterfly?

I’ve been to this turning point before, but never this close. I’ve been too scared to let it happen. I could see it, and I wanted it, but always retreated to the safety of my cocoon; afraid to live my life after so many years of watching it like a movie on a screen. But the cocoon has become uncomfortable – my wings don’t fit any more.

I wonder how it feels to fly?

Why is my Body Smarter than my Brain?

2006-01-16T19:40:00.000-05:00

The human body is an amazing machine when you consider what it has to work with (our brains, for one, are not a lot of help). I have had this body for 43 years now and I know less about how it works then I do my car, which I’ve only had for 2 years. I have an owner's manual for my car, which I have actual perused from time to time – usually when a warning light comes on or it's time for a tune-up. In one way or another, I have warning signals going off in my body all the time, but I seldom take myself in for a tune-up until I reach the break-down point. I feel guilty when I fill up my car’s gas tank with “regular” instead of “high test.” But what about the junk I put in my body? – the worse it is for me, the more I like it. What’s up with that?!

I’m reading this really great book that I borrowed from my sister (you know my sister – the attractive, slender, fit woman I am often seen with). The book is “BodyFueling” by Robyn Landis – it’s an old book, the pages are literally falling out of it, and it was not a new concept when she wrote it. Basically it explains what our bodies do with what we put in them – carbohydrates, proteins, fats, etc. It pretty much is an owner’s manual for our bodies. What is astounding to me is that this knowledge has existed for decades (probably longer than that) and yet every “diet plan” written is pretty much about eating less food, or completely convoluting the natural balance of food. As it turns out, the majority of popular “diet plans” actually promote the storage of fat in our bodies. I’m not going to babble on about the book – if you’re interested, buy it – my point is that this knowledge has been around forever but our culture is so far in denial about solving our fitness/health problems that we would rather buy into all these bogus quick-fixes that never work in the long run than educate ourselves about our own bodies.

And as long as I’m on the topic of how stupid my brain is when it comes to my body – what exactly do I think I’m doing to myself with all this alcohol? Am I trying to preserve/pickle myself? – that is the only explanation I can come up with. Oh, no – I’m drinking to have “fun,” right? So much fun that the next day I feel as though I was run over by a truck (or wish I had been instead)! Yeah - that sounds like fun, ah?

Some people develop diseases or have accidents that harm their bodies irreversibly, and it is a tragedy. Here I am with a perfectly good body, and I am treating it like it has a salvage title! This is the only body I get. I have to live in this body my entire life. I might as well have a little respect for myself and make it a place I want to be. Wish me luck (or better yet – brains!)

Life Signs

2006-01-15T20:08:00.000-05:00

Life should come with such road signs!

Mystery Sparks

2006-01-09T21:52:00.000-05:00

I was out at an appointment late this afternoon and since I knew I had nothing at home for dinner, I decided to take a little detour on my way home to an upscale grocery store where I know they sell fresh sushi. It’s a detour I take from time to time, because I love sushi and since I live in a small rural town, I have to go seek it out (a fishing expedition, so to speak). So I grab my sushi sampler platter and head to the check-out. While waiting for the cashier to finish, the gentleman in front of me looks at my sushi selection and says “Wow, that looks good.” A polite exchange ensues: “I hope so, its dinner.” “Hmm, I went with Mexican tonight.” “That sounds good too.” The cashier hands him his change and he picks up his bag, “Well, enjoy your dinner.” “thanks, you too.” (SPARK!)

What was that? How can you exchange a few lines with a stranger in the grocery store and get a spark?! I couldn’t even tell you what the guy looked like because I didn’t exactly look at him. It wasn’t a physical attraction anyway – I think it was something in his voice – it was sort of soft and deep and very kind. I can’t explain it, but it made me wish we had more time to chat. (Why? Where was that going to go – “hey baby lets mix my Mexican with your sushi and we’ll make some great Ceviche?” NOT!) In fact if he had hit on me in any way that would have ruined it (but he didn’t seem like the type – he was just being friendly). But I left the store thinking, hmm, I’d like to have a coffee with that guy and get to know him better. Why? What’s up with this?

I don’t know, but I’ve experienced it before, not often, but once in a while. And it’s usually an exchange just like that, where I’m never going to see the guy again and it’s a minute exchange. It always makes me wonder where that spark comes from; what chemistry between two complete strangers in a matter of moments could possibly exist. And if I felt it, did he too? Probably not; and it doesn’t matter; I’ll never know. And as long as I never know, he can remain this perfect guy with a great voice. . . . The one that got away!

It’s enough to send me back for another fishing expedition.

Take Me or Leave Me -- I don't really care!

2006-01-06T21:23:00.000-05:00

This is how it started – last night I was IMing with a blogger-friend who suggested that my blog profile was a bit “off-putting” and maybe I should consider changing it (actually he might not have SAID “change it,” but obviously it was what he meant!) My response to him was – “exactly – so am I (off-putting) – that’s the point.” You see, I used to have this little blurb in my profile which then showed at the top under my blog name saying something to the effect of “if you know me, I don’t have to tell you about me, and if you don’t know me why should I give a rat’s-ass to tell you” only it was nicer then that (I left out the rat’s ass). It wasn’t SUPPOSED to be friendly! Although I am a fairly friendly person (when I want to be!), I also am the quintessential smartass. So I really liked that profile statement – it was ME!. Also, I had not filled out ANY of the bullshit profile questions about my specifics (because what does that have to do with anything?! This is not a dating website!)

But, it was sort of bugging me that someone might visit my blog, look at my profile and say “what a bitch, I’m outa’ here!” (because, despite my current mood, I AM a sensitive person). So, I changed it and answered all the bullshit profile questions, so that a visitor to my blog could now view my profile and find out my sex (since this was not a yes or no question, I don’t see it as significant); my age (what bearing does this have on anything?); my astrological sign (figure it out for yourself if you’re so damn psychic!); my zodiac animal (what the #%&* is this?!); my occupation (just ask for my income if that’s what you want to know!); and roughly where I live (why? are you gonna’ stop in for a nightcap?) And then I had to write some little ditty about myself and make it sound nice. I tried 5 times until I finally came up with a statement that said that I am pretty average (except really opinionated) – what a bore! I’d rather be a bitch than a bore!

And you know what? – if you actually SAW that profile – you are probably the only one, because as soon as I get done venting here, I am going to change it back! I honestly don’t care if you think I’m a bitch, ‘cause you know what?! Sometimes I AM! and if you don’t like it, click “back” and leave! Like I said originally (and probably will again!) if you know me, I don’t have to tell you, if you don’t – I don’t give a rip! Figure it out for yourself! Stay? Go? it really doesn’t matter to me!

This is not a dating web-site – and even if it were – don’t judge me by a bunch of statistics and some canned description I feed you – read what I have to say – if you like it, come back, if you don’t, I don’t care – my blog is not about YOU, it’s about ME.

(I'm glad we had this little chat - I'm feeling much better now! Thanks.)

Inner Thoughts of Self Doubt Go for a Spin

2006-01-03T23:54:00.000-05:00

So, I’m on my computer tonight, and I can see that my boss is on line too, and he IMs me (can IM be a verb?) with a little a bit of polite chit chat (we haven’t spoken for a couple weeks) and then he asks “what’s your week look like next week?” (It’s about time for reviews – I’m thinkin’ he wants to schedule mine.) I tell him “not bad, a few tentative meetings, but nothing firm – what’s up?” “Well, I’m still waiting on travel authorization (tight budget) but I was hoping you could fly down to Dallas next week for a couple of days to attend a corporate meeting, I can’t make it.” Did you hear that?! My boss wants ME to go to a meeting with about 25 or so of mostly HIS counter-parts from all over the country and represent our Region!

So of course my initial reaction is “Holy Shit! I can’t do that – I’m not qualified!” (I have these thoughts often, and luckily I’m not stupid enough to say them out loud to my boss – that’s what my blog and my sister are for!) What comes out of my mouth (or in this case, my fingers) is “Sure, I can plan on that, do you have some information you can forward to me on it?” And then I hear myself saying (typing) this to my boss and I say (to myself) “What, are you joking! You can’t pull this off!” But now my conversation with the boss-man is over – I’m committed. (“I oughta’ be committed is right!”)

Then I realize that (assuming the travel expense is approved) this is going to happen – he asked me and I said yes. Well, of course I said yes! You don’t tell your boss, “gee thanks for the vote of confidence, but I don’t think I can handle it.” And this starts me thinking – my boss is a very smart man; he’s worked with me for a couple years now; he has confidence in me that I can handle this; and I respect his opinion on just about everything. So I try this spin for a while; it starts to feel less suffocating. “So how’s this going to turn out?”

Here’s how: I’m going to research what I need to in the next week; I’m going to go to the meeting; I’m going to take lots of notes; I’m going to find an ally for clarification when I need it; I’m going to speak up when I need to, but only if I know what I’m talking about. In the end I will have done a great job, made some awesome contacts, gotten my name and face "out there," and made my boss proud. It’s why I have the job I do, and it’s why I’m good at it.

How the Grinch Stole New Years

2005-12-30T20:28:00.000-05:00

The clock is ticking – less then 30 hours left to this year and I still was not decided on a New Years’ Resolution (and I’ve been getting a little pressure on the subject – something about giving up meaningless sex? – surely you jest!) So anyway, here I sit on New Years’ Eve Eve doing some year-end account analysis – reworking my budget (for the umpteenth time!), paying bills, and reconciling my accounts. This is always a sobering process for me (which is why I have to drink while I’m doing it). I don’t understand why my budget calculations work on paper, but yet I’m always coming up short in my accounts, having to scramble to move money around. It’s sorta’ like when you’re a kid and you don’t want to eat your peas, so you spread them around your plate thinking it will fool your mother. That’s how I generally handle my finances – I just spread the little bits of green around and hope that it will fool someone (like me) into thinking I actually have more money then I do.

So, here it is – nothing as titillating as meaningless sex, I’m afraid – my 2006 New Years’ Resolution is: To Be More Fiscally Responsible (subtitled: Stop spending money you don’t have, dummy!). Alas – so much for my last blog, teasing of “better wines” in 2006. Well, at least this makes me more appreciative of the $40 bottle of French Champagne I just bought to ring out 2005. Thank god meaningless sex is free!

Happy New Year to all (just don't expect a gift -- I'm on a budget now, ya' know)!

Resolutions You Can Embrace!

2005-12-29T20:24:00.000-05:00

My New Years’ resolution last year was “drink more wine.” Now here was a resolution I could embrace! People seem to think they have to give something up for their New Years’ resolutions (lose 10 lbs., quit smoking, stop having meaningless sex. . . .) but they have their quasi-holidays mixed up. Lent is the one where you have to give something up that you enjoy (sweets, cigarettes, alcohol . . .). Nobody said you had to give up anything for your New Years’ resolution; you just need to say you are going to do something and do it. Why set yourself up for failure?! Make a vow that you are going to do something you always wanted to do, or do more of something you already enjoy (like drinking wine!).

Well this is funny – I decided if I was going to blog-on about the true meaning of “resolutions” that I better look the word up and make sure I’m right. As stated in my Encyclopedic Dictionary:
Resolution (n.): 1. the act of resolving or of reducing to a simpler form. 2. The state of being resolute;active fortitude . . .
Resolve (v.): 1. to decide or determine (to do something) . . .
Resolve (v.t.): 1. to solve anew or again . . .
Resolute (adj.) 1. having a fixed purpose; determined . . .
Considering the vast number of people who make the same New Years’ resolution year after year to lose weight, I think the references to “reducing to a simpler form” and “to solve again or anew” are quite ironic!

Getting back to last year’s resolution - I can stand proud and attest to the success of meeting this goal. I have consumed WAY more wine this year then in past years. Having previously been proud of my Beer-Goddess status, I think that wine has perhaps surpassed beer as my intoxicating libation of choice. (Lucky for me it’s not an either/or thing – I can have my Zinfandel AND my Guinness!)

So what will it be this year? I really can’t stick with “drink more wine,” because at this point, I’m not sure that more wine would be a good thing. Maybe I can strive for better wines? Or the consumption of some eclectic collection of wines? Or find a new fun topic to explore? Hmmm, well, I have a couple more days to figure it out!

Forks in the Heart

2005-12-25T00:33:00.000-05:00

We are faced with choices every day, carrying a range of impact on our lives, from low (do I want to stop for coffee this morning?) to very high (should I accept this job transfer out of state?). Every decision that we make, regardless of its level of impact, is a fork in the road for us, each decision will put us on a unique path that an alternative decision would not have.

And then there are the forks in the heart. This occurs when presented with a choice that involves your heart when you don’t know what to do. Many choices might cause a stress-related reaction, but forks in the heart cause a very unique emotional and physical reaction, far greater then other types of choices -- everything stops – the world stops turning, time stands still, your breath is suspended. The entire time you are making your decision, choosing your path, there is an arrow piercing your heart. And each time you look back at that fork in your heart to wonder “did I take the right path?” the arrow twists, ever so slightly.

There are no caution signs for forks in the heart -- navigation can be risky, fun, humiliating, exhilarating, painful, exciting -- Good luck!

I Love Being Single!

2005-12-21T19:10:00.000-05:00

And I hate “dating” – so when I say single, I mean seriously single. (Okay, right, so the first thing that popped into your little pea-brain was “oh, but there’s no sex.” -- you know I really wanted to talk about all the positives of being single, but if you are going to force me down this path, I will debate the negatives first – fine – I’m flexible!) Well, actually there is occasionally sex, some of it is even really good, although most of it is pretty mediocre and barely memorable the next morning (when I’m sober) leaving me to wonder why I bothered. But I seem to have this (maybe weird?) ability to switch off my sex drive (this has also happened involuntarily when I have been in relationships – not so good then). It’s like my brain sends out some anti-sex enzyme that slows my libido to a crawl until I have a use for it again. So this really helps. Another draw back is that it can be easy to feel lonely or unloved when you are low, but if you have a few close fiends, this is not a lingering effect. And lastly, sometimes it's a drag not having a “date” to go places, especially when a lot of your friends are couples and you are sort of hanging around on the fringe – but if they are good friends they won’t let you feel this way for long. AND I might add that sometimes it’s more fun to go to certain functions/events as a single. (So – that’s it – that’s all the energy the down side gets.)

(Where was I? Oh yeah --) I love being single! Mostly I think I really like ME better when I’m single. I’ve got a good head on my shoulders, I’m self-reliant, somewhat confident about my world (if not myself), I have a kick-ass job, and I like to have fun! – what’s not to like? But I have this terrible habit of loosing site of myself when I get hooked up in a relationship – I do it every time! It’s really pathetic (and it’s also a discussion for a therapist not my blog). So the fact that I like ME better when I’m single has a lot to do with why I like being single.

But the other factors are time and space and maybe this is part of not being good at managing myself in a relationship too. (That’s probably what this all comes down to – poor self-management in intimate relationships – I’m sure there’s a 12 step program for that somewhere!) I like having my own space, and I like having lots of time to myself. I don’t know that I could share my living space with someone again. I’m not saying I won’t ever have another (maybe several) committed, meaningful relationships, but can I keep my house? By myself! And then there is the time-suckage thing -- do I have time for a full time person in my life? Honestly, I don’t know how couples do it and keep their sanity. There are 24 hours in a day – lets say we sleep for 8 (I wish), and we work for 8 (during the week) that leaves only 8 hours left in my day – and there is life maintenance to be done – groceries, banking, laundry. . . And don’t forget about the things I want to do for myself – read books, practice my flute, garden, sip a glass of wine in peace and quiet . . .

PING! Sorry, time’s up! I don’t have the time, the space, or the need for someone in my life right now!

(Check with me again in a week or so (ha!))

My Religious Beliefs

2005-12-20T18:26:00.000-05:00

I’m a Unitarian Universalist, which is really fun, because it means that I don’t have to believe in any set of beliefs or rules that someone else came up with. I am free to believe what I care to and expected to give everyone the respect and freedom to believe as they care to. This is a religion that suits me very well. Anyway, my church invited us to write a description of our religious beliefs in 250 words or less, so I figured I’d give it a try -- oh my God! (no pun intended!) There are entire religions (lots of them!) built around religious beliefs – 250 words! (so I went over a little, but not much). Here it is:

I believe there is a “greater power” in the world, but not what I think of as “God”, for me it is more like Mother Nature. Not a power that is controlling my fate or the fate of the world; and not a power who presides above me to judge or condemn me. But a greater power in the sense that there is a “force” that is bigger and wiser than humanity and whose concern it is to keep this space (planet/universe/infinity) in balance. And I believe that she is sad and that we disappoint her.

It is this that brings me to the concept of humans on this planet. I don’t like to say “I believe” – because I’m not really sure – I like to say “I consider as a possibility”. So, I consider as a possibility that humans are not indigenous to this planet, because we are the only species destroying the planet – and that doesn’t feel right to me. So, what? The alien thing? I don’t know, but I consider as a possibility that something from somewhere else mixed with an existing species way back when, and evolution turned us into what we are today -- not all bad and not all good.

I’m still working on the “soul” thing. Lately I consider that perhaps all life shares a melting pot of soul and some of us got bigger doses then others at birth, and when we die, our soul returns to the melting pot to mix with others and be redistributed to new life.

Some days I consider other possibilities. I guess to me that’s what my religion is – the considering of possibilities.

2005-12-19T21:18:00.000-05:00

Breathing, Blowing and Tonguing

2005-12-19T18:02:00.000-05:00

Three things I would have said I had down! but as I have to keep reminding everyone -- "it's not that kind of flute!" Yeah, so at 43 years old I rekindle this bright idea that I've always thought it would be the coolest thing to be able to make music, and I've always liked the sound of the flute, so, why not? Why not?! - well, for starters - - breathing, blowing, and tonguing! Yup, I've had three leasons and that's what I've learned -- or I should say "am learning" -- I have not mastered any of them really, although I've just about got the breathing down.

Actually I've learned a few notes too - 'cause how are you going to practice breathing, blowing and tonguing without a note to breath, blow and tongue on?! It's amazing how many offers (all from men) I've had to help me practice my breathing, blowing and tonguing. So I flipped through my "Easy Flute Solos" book to find a song I know and that only contains notes that I've learned (or am willing to teach myself). At this point I can just about play the first line of "Love Me Tender" - although my timing sucks (thank god it's a slow song!) and that jump from C to D is ugly! But, hey, I am pretty pleased with myself. I don't expect to be invited to join the Grand Rapids Symphony anytime soon (or ever!) but it's a start.

All in all, it's a good experience for me, you know -- a new oportunity to grow; a new demension to my personality; and all that sort of crap. Although I have to say - this is seriously effecting my relationship with Oreo (cat). The only thing he hates worse then my flute noise is my new metronome! Ha! He literally leaves the room as soon as I start practicing.

Well, that's all for now, I need to get back to my breathing, blowing and tonguing exercises. Here kitty, kitty, kitty!

Blogging? What Exactly IS Blogging?

2005-12-19T14:47:00.000-05:00

I don't exactly get the whole "Blog" thing. I don't generally have a problem spouting my opinons to people, so I don't know why anyone would want to read them. But now that I have several friends with blog sites, I figure, hell - I'm no less interesting then they are! So I'll give it a try -- but I warn you -- I am a moody little bitch and it's hard to say what might show up here. I suppose that's the fun of it.